It’s not enough that we have to take SATs. It’s not enough that we are forced to categorize our extracurricular activities. We are required to do more than actually apply to a college:
We have to sit through information sessions as well.
The information session is an incredible phenomenon that occurs twice daily, five days a week in every mediocre to stellar college in the country. Entombed in air-conditioned rooms, fidgeting on too-plush upholstery, parents and students listen dutifully to the lecturing, cajoling and preaching of former English majors who have decided to take on that most dubious of monikers, Admissions Director. My dad insists that each college has its own “nuances” that are revealed only at information sessions. There, the stars align and the waters part; the college speaks to you directly.
I’ve attended too many of these sessions. The nuances have long been lost on me. If you didn’t get to an information session this summer, here’s what you missed.
“We look at each applicant holistically.”
“Let’s try to save admissions and financial aid for the last 15 minutes.”
“We’re a small college with the opportunities offered by a large university.”
“We’re a large university offering the intimacy of a small college.”
“Our faculty-student ratio is 10:1.”
“It’s 5:1.”
“4:1.”
“Only full professors teach our courses.”
“All of our professors teach undergraduates.”
“90 percent of our classes are capped at 30 students.”
“90 percent of the game is half mental.”
“Even our large classes are broken up into small groups called discussion sessions.”
“Our student body is incredibly diverse.”
“We have representatives from 15 countries and all 50 states except for Nebraska.”
“We even found this great Iroquois kid from Massapequa who lettered in football and plays the French horn.”
“Housing is guaranteed for three years, and almost any senior who wants to can find a room on campus.”
“We have 21 varsity teams, 10 for each gender, not including football. And we have club and intramural sports for the less athletically endowed.”
“Our dorms are being renovated as we speak.”
“In fact, it seems that we renovate our dorms every two to three years.”
“Our cafeteria food is consistently ranked in the top 10 in the country.”
“Our major focus is undergraduate education.”
“If you’re here for the graduate session, our major focus is graduate education.”
“Our alumni network is the largest in the galaxy.”
“We have wireless Internet access across the entire campus.”
“Our school was founded at the same time as the proclamation of 1763.”
“George Washington held a war council in what is now our administrative office building.”
“Our crew team has rowed to Antarctica and back.”
“[Insert College] is located in a very safe neighborhood surrounded by bitter locals who got rejected from [Insert College].”
“With respect to Advanced Placement classes, we advise you to take the most challenging courses and still get 100.”
“It may become difficult to differentiate between colleges.”
“Good luck in the admissions process. Remember, we’re here to help.”
