As successfully or miserably as seasons come and go, every public school sports team really has to appreciate the Public Schools Athletics League (PSAL).
Like a finely-tuned machine, the League lays down the rules that send a message to everyone—don’t mess with the best.
But as well-developed the rules and regulations of PSAL are, you don’t have to look far to find some over-the-top ideas. Here I present to you, in no particular order, the very best of PSAL rule making.
1. Basketball: PSAL recommends that teams travel with a medical bag which includes a cell phone.
WHAT?!? A cell phone in a public school?!? But no one would have one!
2. Bowling: All student-athletes must be dressed in identical school uniforms in order to bowl. The bowling uniform consists of an appropriate shirt which bears the school’s name or bowling logo. All team shirts must be of matching color, style and print. Hats and other head coverings are not permitted to be worn.
This rule is mentioned twice, the first time with bolded words, the second time entirely in red highlighting. That all falls under the section “Uniforms.” The same section doesn’t mention any need for bowling shoes.
3. Fencing: All bouts or matches must preserve the character of a courteous and honest encounter with no abnormal actions.
I must admit, this is one of my favorites. The sport requires people to be courteous and normal while charging at someone with a sword.
4. Football: If lightning is observed, all outdoor activities must be suspended immediately. Shelter should be sought in appropriate locations (not under trees).
If you were standing on an empty, open field, and there hypothetically was a tree nearby, would you really consider standing under it? It’s wonderful that the League cares about outdoor safety, but I think they can honor the average person’s intellect in terms of how nature works.
5. Golf: Spectators may not follow any match. If this rule is violated, it should be reported to the Commissioner.
So technically, golfers aren’t even allowed to have fans. Imagine how Tiger would feel about that.
6. Gymnastics: For each 20 spectators, the teacher/coach of the school having spectators must provide one other teacher/supervisor to chaperone.
It’s hard enough to get other students to come and watch competitions. Now, apparently, you need supervisors to have fun.
7. The Jewelry Rule
Student athletes cannot wear jewelry of any kind except for religious or medical reasons, where it then must be taped to the body. Serious bling I could understand, but disqualifying teams for wearing rubber bands on their wrists?
So here are the rules of the game at their best. Hats off to you, PSAL, for thinking of every regulation under the sun. May no one ever be blinded by shiny jewelry or caught underneath a falling tree in a lightning storm again.