Note: This article was published in our April Fools’ edition. Any quotations or events mentioned are entirely fabricated and completely fictitious.

Hip-hop legend Tupac Shakur, pronounced dead on September 13, 1996, was found exiting the Hudson Staircase on Thursday, March 12, at around 5:00 p.m. After exiting on the second floor, Shakur was violently embraced by a mob of primarily Asian male sophomores who had just left a meeting of the Breakdancing Club.

While all of the eager fans were suspended and removed from SING!, Shakur didn’t seem angry with them. “I ain’t mad at cha,” Shakur said. “Got nothing but love for ya.”

“I [used to] wonder if Heaven got a ghetto,” Shakur said. Upon dying, Shakur’s suspicions were confirmed. While Shakur declined to comment further on heaven’s socioeconomic situation, fellow dead hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan stated that “the other side of the gates” is in pretty miserable condition. “Cash rules everything around me,” Bastard said.

Shakur protested the suspension of his sophomore fans. “I was a fool with the big boys breaking all the rules,” said Shakur, referring to his own high-school experience.

According to an anonymous member of the Breakdancing Club, Shakur was still in high spirits after he was attacked. “For some reason, he was humming Marvin Gaye,” the anonymous break-dancer said.

As to why Shakur chose to return to the world via the Hudson Stairs, “I wanna be an honest man, but temptations go,” Shakur said. Shakur chose Stuyvesant in particular due to his interest in civil rights reform. “He heard that Stuy has the highest concentration of minorities in the city and thought it would be a suitable location for his return,” Shakur’s attorney Christopher Wallace wrote in an e-mail interview.