In a shocking reversal of policy and message, the mentoring organization Big Sibs has announced that it will be starting a series of “Big Sib-Little Sib Freshman Fridays” throughout the Spring 2010 term. The decision was announced via email to all upperclassmen affiliated with the program.
In the email—sent by the Big Sib Chairs on Sunday March 14— the days were described as “pretty much an opportunity to go totally [apenuts] and do terrible, terrible things to those ungrateful little [Freshmen] scumbags.” The email went on to recommend techniques such as “stuffing them into trash cans, burning their bookbags, or stuffing their heads into toilets.”
There have been unsubstantiated reports of Big Sib Chairs seeking out members of the Cricket team in an attempt to secure flat-surfaced bats for the purpose of paddling. The bats, if procured, are expected to be distributed to Homeroom Leaders on the day of the event.
Big Sib Chairs are still undecided on whether or not to give individualized themes to the various days. Some suggestions have been made to this effect, proposing possibilities such as “Purple Nurple Day” or “the Dead-Arm Decathelon.”
“I’d like to keep it open ended,” junior and Big Sib Chair Sadie Bergen said. “I don’t want to put a damper on anyone’s creativity. We’re here to support each other, after all.”
News of the planned events spread rapidly throughout the student body, prompting a wide range of reactions among upper classmen. Many freshmen interviewed refused to go on record, citing fears of imminent reprisals.
“I’m gonna get wrecked if I say anything!” freshman Adam Lieber said, before cowering behind a shelf of books in the non-fiction section of the library.
Many upperclassmen heralded the planned events as commendable.
“I think it’s going to be a great community building experience,” junior Vladislav Deshkovich said. “I think I might actually apply [to be a Big Sib] now.”
The administration has responded positively to the proposal as well.
“It really shows courage on the part of Big Sibs to do something like this,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I finally realized that the freshmen really are just contemptible.”
Despite widespread acclaim for the now institutionalized beatings, one newly appointed Big Sib Chair had reservations. “It’s against my core beliefs to participate in Freshmen Friday –if the hazing continues after sundown I’d be violating the sanctity of the Sabbath,” junior and Jew Oren Bukspan said. “The Talmud prohibits bullying on Shabbas.”
According to junior and Big Sib Chair Colin O’Connor, the decision to embark on the program was made in order to “show everybody how much more badass we are than ARISTA,” he said. “Also, Freshmen suck.”
Fellow junior and Big Sib Chair Kathy Lin echoed O’Connor’s sentiments.
“They’re so ungrateful,” Lin said. “They never come to homeroom, so this is what they get. I hope they like their tenth floor lockers, because I am going to trap them in there.”
Note: This article was published in our April Fools’ issue. Any quotations or events mentioned are entirely (or mostly) fabricated and completely fictitious.