They said it couldn’t be done. On Thursday, June 3rd, a soft weeping sound could be heard emanating from the fourth floor back hallway. Unlike most days, the mournful cries were not those of a burned out teacher, a freshman trapped inside a locker, or a junior informed of his SAT results. These tears were not salty, but oily. The robotics team robot had learned to love, and with it, to sob.
“There are just so many great people in this building, but we don’t get along as well as they should. It simply breaks my metal heart,” robot Dovonan said. “We should all just learn to accept one another”
The Stuyvesant High School Robotics Team, or StuyPulse, is renowned for its technical prowess and lack of inter- and intrapersonal intelligence, but the recent development of Dovonan’s sentience is an astounding milestone.
“Machine learning is notoriously difficult,” junior and team Director of Strategy Samantha Unger said, in a coolly rational interview conducted via hologram. “It’s really groundbreaking that this machine, this collection of nuts, bolts and elbow grease, learned how to love in a way that none of us [on the team] truly can.”
Unger began to suspect something remarkable was occurring after the team’s loss at their national competition in Atlanta, Georgia. “Some of the guys on the team started throwing tantrums, but Donny [Dovonan] just kept it calm and collected. We thought that was because he was just a series of circuits, but then he said some really insightful things about learning from our mistakes and keeping our chins up. I wish he was my guidance counselor,” Berg said.
The Robot was seen applying for membership in the Free Hugs Club. “I just have so much to give,” it said.
“I just know where he learned all this touchy-feely stuff from,” Unger said. “The kids on this team are monsters.”
Note: This article was printed in ‘Slander and Libel,’ The Spectator’s humor section. All articles are fabricated and all quotes are libelous.