*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.*
In the greatest blow yet to Stuyvesant’s student government, senior and Student Union (SU) President Paul Lee has suspended the upcoming elections and declared himself “Emperor of All [he] Survey[s].” The Spectator regrets the extraneous printing of endorsements and candidate profiles.
“These plebeians are not ready to govern themselves,” Lee said in a 30 minute discourse delivered from atop the senior bar. “All hail your sovereign.” The Emperor, may his name be consecrated, also announced his intention to replace the speakers at the class of 2010′s upcoming commencement with himself.
In a brilliant political move, Lee leveraged an obscure clause in the SU’s charter, which originally established the school’s governance structure as an absolute monarchy. The maneuver was described by pundits as “[Tricky] Dickish.”
“I was really looking forward to running the Student Union,” senior and former Presidential Candidate Keiji Drysdale said. “Paul says he doesn’t want us to tarnish his glorious legacy of inaction.”
Seasoned political observers called the move shocking, but limited in its consequences. “What does he do anyway?” asked freshman Gabe Sunshine. “It will be fine as long as he doesn’t cancel our Semiformal!”
Not all student political leaders reacted as amicably as Drysdale. “This is an outrage,” declared disenfranchised Senior Caucus Vice Presidential Candidate Wasi Ahmed. “We will take to the halls, all of us. And not just One, Two and Five. We will show the Emperor that the student body is a sleeping giant, ready to be roused in the pursuit of freedom.”
As of press time, no students have been affected. “Student What-nion?” the general populace said.