*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.*
In an innovative new use of the sixth floor Dr. Robert Ira Lewy Multimedia Center—archaically referred to by some as the “library”—sophomore Joshua Rhee removed a book from the musky stacks of shelves and brought it home in a process administrators deemed “checking out.”
According to a (factually accurate) analysis by The Spectator of budgets from 2006 through 2011 obtained from the Department of Education, Stuyvesant reports spending $20,000 per year on “Library Books.”
Security cameras confirm that the book, a translation of Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey required for Rhee’s Classical Literature course (E3CL), was removed at approximated 10:19 a.m. on Tuesday, October 4.
“I only did it because I left my copy at home, and we need to have it in class. I swear,” Rhee said. “Trust me, I would only do this [type of thing] as a desperate last resort.”
According to Rhee, the act of removing the book was “scarring.”
“I was immediately engulfed in a cloud of dust when I pried it off the shelf,” Rhee said. “But that was nothing compared to the scorn I got from my friends at the [sophomore] bar when they heard I was reading [books].”
Rhee was about to exit the library with his book, when the alarm went off and he was forced to open his bag for the librarian on duty.
“At first, I thought the alarm was just fritzing like it always does,” Rhee said. “But then I realized I actually had to go to the desk next to the printer. It was weird asking them for anything other than to print my [plagiarized] Spanish homework.”
Student library monitors were initially unsure how to handle Rhee’s request to bring the book with him to his upcoming class. “I wasn’t sure what he was asking, but one of the librarians remembered how we helped a kid with this last year,” monitor Lois Huang said. “Whatever happened to that copy of Fire: A User’s Guide?”
Students who witnessed the checkout responded to the process with surprise. “I guess there’s more to the library than loitering,” said junior Erick Wong hardly looking up from his Ninentdo DS videogame device. “When I’m waiting for a computer, I’m generally just loud and eating.”
“Reading is such a solitary activity,” said reprehensible freshman Paul Ma. “ I’m happy more people don’t do it, or I would never have met my friends while hanging out in the library.”
Librarians were pleased with the removal of the book. “We’re supposed to be a multimedia center, but with all the computers broken our only medium of expression was desktop graffiti,” said a librarian who wished to remain anonymous. “At this rate, one of the kids listening to their iPods could pick up a magazine to hide it behind!”