*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.*
In a departure from the laissez-faire policy of previous years, the Stuyvesant Administration has taken steps to make the SING! afterparty, an annual celebration commemorating the end of SING!, a more “family friendly” event.
With students paying up to $30 a ticket, the afterparty is the biggest event of the social season, surpassed in importance only by J-Prom. Although the party has traditionally been considered out of the school’s jurisdiction, the Stuyvesant administration decided to intervene, following accusations that the party was “grimy,” “inappropriate,” and, at some points, even “fun.”
Having taken issue with any form of “deviant behavior” or “provocative elements” (including but not limited to strobe lights and poorly remixed rap songs), the administration has cracked down on the event with full force. “I was told that I would be banned from all extra-curricular activities if I continued to spit my ridiculous game,” junior Ben Koatz said. “All I wanna do is smang some hos. Is that really such a crime?”
The first step in regulating the festivities was the institution of a strict, no-alcohol policy, which was supposed to be enforced by the confiscation any type of outside beverage, regardless of the potential alcohol content. However, worries arose about dehydration, so the administration allowed liquids, as long as they were contained in a bottle clearly not intended for alcohol. “I didn’t even know they made brown carbonated Gatorade,” Bouncer and Dean Vincent Miller said.
The school’s main concern was about student participation in inappropriate touching. To deal with this issue, which had been an endemic problem at previous afterparties, Miller had all of the lights turned off for the entirety of the party. “Turning off the lights was as much a remedial measure as it was a preventative one,” said Miller. “Preventative in that, if students can’t see who they’re about to kiss, they won’t kiss them. And remedial in that if they do end up kissing, at least nobody else will be able to see the bad example they’re setting.”
However, such measures proved to be in vain. Many students “hooked up” with upwards of nine peers, many of whom were defensless underclassmen. “I got with 11 freshmen,” senior Matteo Battistini said. ”There may have been one or two eighth graders in there too, but whatever.”
“Students were clearly disregarding the valuable information they acquired in health class,” Health Education teacher Barbara Garber said.
Other concerns were raised over bathroom overcrowding. ”There were at least 37 people in the bathoom, which was no bigger than a typical stall in a Stuyvesant bathroom,” Miller said.
“I still don’t understand why that many people would all need to use the bathroom at the same time,” junior Emma Handte said.
Reports showed that at exactly 11:23 PM, smoke began to issue from under the bathroom door. Initial analysis stated that the source of the smoke was most likely a campfire built by the students for warmth. ”That was one good campfire dude. I’m like mad toasty right now, man,” junior Brian Walsh said.
After conferring with his staff, Principal Teitel decided to evacuate the premises. “It was getting a little out of hand,” Teitel said. “Even our most experienced deans were unable to void that many lunches.”
“It was scary out there,” Dean Daniel Tillman said. “I haven’t seen that much degeneracy since my days in the military.”
As students were leaving the party, the administration made the questionable decision to eliminate the coat check. “We were under strict budget guidelines, and the coat check is a privilege, not a necessity,” Miller said. Bags and coats were left to aggregate in a pile that students have described as “more disorganized and less efficient than the programming office.”
After students recovered their belongings, they were promptly ejected from the venue and forced back into the cold. “It’s a shame the party had to end that way,” Garber said, while giggling. “I was just starting to have fun.”