*Disclaimer: All humor articles are works of fiction. Quotes should be considered slander/libel.
Starting in September 2011, students who try to enter Stuyvesant while exposing any skin can expect extreme admonishment, according to a new dress code released by Principal Stanley on Tuesday, June 7. The creation of the dress code prohibits the wearing of excessively revealing and offensive clothes, including those that expose shoulders, backs, stomachs, thighs, or express any form of individuality. The dress code was, according to Teitel, driven by the need to counteract the overall unattractiveness of the student body. “I’m tired of throwing up in my mouth a little bit every morning when I walk through the halls,” Teitel said. “Students have gotten more repugnant, repulsive, and repellent every year, and frankly, this excessively revealing clothing is not helping in the slightest.”
Many teachers echoed Teitel’s sentiments. “Thank god I won’t have to see any more backne when I’m trying to teach a class,” math teacher Bernard Feigenbaum said. “I find skin conditions particularly distracting, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my other students do too.”
However, the new dress code has not gone unopposed. “If I want to show off my sallow, chafing skin at school, that should be my right,” said junior Renata Horowitz.
The dress code will also help the security guards in their protection of the school. “We often have trouble monitoring the security footage when all we see on the other side is greasy teenage skin.” School security guard Rodriguez said. “I think anything short of a mandated paper bag over the head is cutting it short.”
Although most students oppose the new dress code, a small group has expressed support for the new policy. “I can finally sit through a class and pay attention all period without being constantly distracted by girls’ exposed shoulders,” junior David Vander said. “Although I am a little bit sad that I will no longer be able to impress chicks with my short, backless shirts.”
Protests have also been organized by students to fight the dress code, including a petition submitted to Teitel, and a planned walk-out if the administration does not repeal the dress code. However, Teitel remained adamant about the implementation of what will be the first formalized dress code at Stuyvesant since the infamous “No Hammer Pants” rule, repealed in 1993. “I’m determined to keep the ‘class’ in ‘classy’,” Teitel said. “Or at least to keep my breakfast in my stomach.”