Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.

Security guards forcibly removed senior William Francis Knight IV from his 9th period Existentialism class on Thursday, September 8 and took him into custody. Earlier in the week, suspicions arose regarding Knight’s activities on a Facebook group titled “LOCKER TRADINGS – SENIORS ONLY!.” Later that night, Knight was charged with four counts of fraud, bringing his week-long endeavor to an end.

Everything began on August 30, at 3:03 PM, with a post offering to buy lockers from seniors, with the intention of selling them back to people at a higher price later. Knight appeared to be successful, having bought a total of fifty-seven lockers. By the end of the week, he had made an estimated profit of 2.6 hundred dollars. However, by the first day of school it became apparent that in many cases, multiple students had been sold the same locker, with some students even having been sold lockers with nonexistent numbers like 2-12345.

Victims pooled their resources together and quickly took action. After notifying the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) of Knight’s scheme, an anonymous whistle-blower was put under the watch of the Witness Protection Program. The SEC proceeded to conduct a thorough investigation of Knight’s activities over the past week and uncovered the Ponzi scheme. After discovering that Knight had booked a 4:15 flight to the Cayman Islands, set to depart later that day, SEC officials began to collaborate with Stuyvesant School Security officers on a sting operation to apprehend him before he could flee the country.

“[Knight] had been looking a little nervous and shifty-eyed all period, which is unusual for the first day of school,” Existentialism teacher Rosa Mazzurco said. “Now I understand his strange behavior, although I do wish the SWAT team had waited until the students had finished filling out the Delaney cards.”

Knight has so far refused to cooperate with law enforcement officials. However, it is expected that he will plead guilty to the charges, for which, if convicted, he could serve up to ​four life sentences of in-school suspension.

The scandal rocked the Stuyvesant community, which had previously prided itself on being a place where students and faculty could trust one another completely.  “I, personally, am shocked that something this base and morally bankrupt could happen at Stuyvesant,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “I guess we should have just let students pick their own lockers after all.”