**Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.**

Though Stuyvesant’s annual Big Sib Little Sib Dance had been intended to be a “fun, innocent occasion for Stuyvesant freshmen and their Big Sibs to get to know each other,” this year’s dance, held on Friday, September 16, degraded into a chaotic and sinful debacle from which the Stuyvesant community is still recovering.

The dance began at around 6:00 PM in its usual fashion, with students awkwardly standing in circles and listlessly wandering around, looking for someone they knew. However, once the music, provided by amateur DJ and junior James Kogan, started to play, the mood of the dance began to change.

“I was completely overcome by the music,” junior and big sib Nick Miller said. “It was if I had been transported from the Stuyvesant lobby to a hedonistic paradise, like a rave, or video production class.”

The sensuality of the music soon even overcame the brotherly bond between Little and Big Sibs. “I stopped seeing my Little Sibs as siblings and started seeing them as targets for my advances,” a senior, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “I can’t believe I let myself violate those whom I was supposed to be protecting and guiding.”

Although by 9:00 PM most attendees of the dance were acting in a mad frenzy, a few students did try to seek escape from the mass of writhing, tangled limbs that had formed on the lobby floor. “I had no idea that this is what high school parties would be like,” freshman Mohammed Choudhury said. “I didn’t think I was ready to partake in something like that, so I decided to go tell [dance chaperone Eric] Wisotsky what was going on.”

As soon as the authorities were notified, the lights were put on, the music stopped, and everyone was asked to leave. “This is such bad timing,” senior and Big Sib Chair Brendan Collins said. “I was just about to go mack on some more freshmen.”

Disciplinary action was taken against a couple of students caught “engaging in inappropriate ​behavior” at the dance, but the overall attitude of the Stuyvesant administration towards the events of the dance was one of indifference. “Look, with Stuyvesant’s intimate ambiance, who can blame them ​for getting a little too friendly with the freshmen,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “I know from experience, if you put a bunch of kids in that lobby, anything can happen.”