*This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.*
The programming office has decided to shut its doors, after years of hard work and dedication to bureaucracy. Recently, the office has come under fire from students dissatisfied with their schedules.
Surveillance footage taken on Monday, September 26 shows the program officers packing up their suitcases and emptying their desks. Assistant Principal of Technology Services Edward Wong was seen boarding up the programming office and lining the back of the secondfloor hallway with caution tape.
“We felt overworked and underappreciated,” Wong said. “I would like to see those ungrateful students try and program their own schedules.”
“This is going to be chaos,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “Without the programming office to take the bullet for students not getting classes they want, now I will have to deal with them.”
To deal with the change, statistics teacher Bernard Feigenbaum has been appointed Programming Overseer Pro Tempore. Feigenbaum has established a system that he believes will deal with all of Stuyvesant’s past programming difficulties.
“My system combines complex statistical techniques such as linear regression and optimization to provide students with the best possible schedule,” Feigenbaum said. “Of course, to the layman, it may appear that the system simply assigns classes completely at random, but I assure you that this is not the case.”
Feigenbaum has already released tentative schedules for next semester, sparking criticism from students and faculty alike.
“I was programmed for five periods of freshman geometry,” senior Swara Saraiya said. “And the rest of my schedule consists of multiple periods of drafting.”
Though the program office will no longer be functioning, Teitel believes that Stuyvesant can continue running smoothly. “In the past, programming was done almost completely by a computer,” Teitel said. “Now we just need to find someone else to turn it on.”