On Friday, January 7, a school administrator took to the loudspeaker to make a peculiar announcement. “All students,” the administrator said, “must wear a coat or jacket if they are to go out for lunch.” The message, issued on a day when the temperature topped 50 degrees, befuddled many students, a few of whom were stopped at the bridge entrance and told that next time they would have to eat inside if they were not more heavily bundled up. “Why do I have to wear a coat? Why does the administration discriminate against sweaters? Besides, if I had a cold, I could get out of this place,” said senior William Knight IV.

Now, a closer investigation has revealed a possible answer to Knight’s question: Principal Stanley Teitel has allegedly been taking kickbacks from coat companies in exchange for forcing pupils to wear their products. The accusation came to the attention of The Spectator thanks to an unnamed student, who reportedly saw Teitel pocket a five-dollar bill that he received from a tall, hooded figure attired in apparel from The North Face. “Initially, after the money was exchanged via handshake, I thought that something else was going down, but then I noticed the guy’s outfit, and just put two and two together,” the unnamed student said.

The student’s allegations, proved true by security footage, did not encompass all the illicit activity that Teitel had been involved in. Indeed, the video seemed to show a representative from the jacket and book-bag giant Columbia engaged in the same bribery as his counterpart from The North Face, muttering under his breath about “cheap alternatives.”

Both alleged payoffs were not above five dollars, thus not violating the Department of Education’s gifts policy, meaning Teitel cannot be subject to disciplinary proceedings. Still, he declined to make a statement when reached for comment by the Spectator. For their own part, students have had a lot to say, some speculating about other suspected schemes. “If he got 10 dollars from those coat companies to make us wear jackets, he might have been bribed by the Health Department to void us so we would have to eat school lunch,” said junior George Kaiser.

Another theory goes that the administration cares too much about the students, imbued with a sense of paternalism, or rather maternalism. “It’s amazing how much the school looks out for me, taking my coffee away to stop me from burning my tongue, calling home when I’m absent, making sure that I know which periods I’m supposed to be at lunch and in class,” junior Isabelle Clark said. “I can feel the love.”

While the school has already taken the unprecedented step of protecting pupils against the common cold, it is now exploring ways to help the students in additional ways. “I rearranged the desks in my class into a circle and put a rug in the center. Then I started reading my new book, ‘The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes’. After the kids, had oohed-and-aahed at the pictures, they nodded off on the rug. I guess I’ll just call that nap-time,” said math teacher, sleep guru, and author Gary Rubinstein.