A groundbreaking survey, distributed in English classes throughout Stuyvesant High School on last Thursday, February 16, revealed that 110 percent of students—3625 students out of Stuyvesant’s 3295—regularly cheat on exams, quizzes, and homework.
The survey, which asked about how regularly and in what ways students commit acts of academic dishonesty, was administered after English teacher Rosa Mazzurco caught junior Akash Howlader passing a 14-page handwritten essay to a friend in her fourth-period European Literature class.
“After further investigation, I found out that [Howlander] hadn’t written an original essay the entire semester,” Mazzurco said “In fact, it turned out that two of his essays were just copies of my lesson plan in a smaller font.”
“Since my freshman year I have copied over my friend and renowned homework dealer’s essays. It takes me about four hours to rewrite the essays and another two to translate them from his native Russian. But I’m just too lazy to write an essay myself,” said Howlader, who currently maintains an impressive 97.3 grade point average (GPA).
English teachers like Mazzurco were not shocked to hear that a negative number of students read their assigned books, resorting to online sources such as SparkNotes an infinite percent of the time. “After dealing with two years of obvious cheating, I just started assigning readings straight out of SparkNotes,” Mazzurco said.
A calculation done by the guidance office revealed that the mean GPA for cheating students like Howlader is a 94.2. However, after the grades were recalculated and deflated to exclude cheating, the GPA sank to a mere 57.4.
“The study also showed that students spend an average of six-and-a-half hours per night on copying homework and test answers,” guidance counselor Shakira Rajwant said.
Cheating in Stuyvesant can also take more unorthodox routes. “I prefer tatooing answers onto my forearm over traditional cheating methods,” junior George Kaiser said. “If you’re going to permanently tattoo answers onto your forearm, make sure it’s for an exam in a subject you really love. Tattoos are painful and skin graphs are expensive, so I only ink up answers for Spanish, Chemistry, and Algebra,” said Kaiser, who has spent nearly $12,000 on over 225 tattoos.
Currently, the administration is doing everything in its power to look into the scandal. “As of now, we have no information as to how such a shocking action could be taking place so frequently within these walls,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “There are many things Stuyvesant is known for, including low amounts of work, gracious amounts of sleep, and an amiable and reasonable security staff. But cheating is just not one of them.”