In response to complaints of overcrowding and disgusting conditions at venues for last year’s SING! after party, party policies have been formally changed. The event planning board took steps to increase exclusivity at this year’s annual bash.
“When I went to the after party last year the place looked like a dump. There was no room to fist pump. But after I had my fifth glass of fruit punch the party started to liven up. The next day I woke up and had all my clothes, except my underwear. Who stole just my underwear?” junior Tony Scott said.
“To make this year’s party more enjoyable, we wanted to limit the number of people who could attend. And since our theme this year was Harry Potter, we decided to sell tickets only to those who spoke Parseltongue.” senior and event planner Jake Kozloski said. “We were aiming for a niche market, you see. Some kids will throw their money at you as long as the words ‘Harry Potter’ are involved. We thought this was going to be a foolproof plan.”
Many students attempted to buy tickets from the vendors, but complained about the difficulty of purchasing them. “I went to buy my ticket and was handing him my money, when he started hissing at me,” junior Gabriel Hurwitz said. “I thought, ‘This is it, this is my calling. I am the last heir of Slytherin,’ and tried to hiss back to my brethren, but he started getting angry, as if I insulted his family or something.”
Despite the complaints of students, members of the event planning board insisted that this strategy was a success. “I think our effort to make the after party more exclusive definitely worked. We were selling tickets for three weeks and only one person was actually able to buy one. I wasn’t there to see the guy who got the ticket, but apparently he kept asking if unicorn blood was going to be one of the select beverages at the party,” senior Oliver Willens said.
The Voldemort impersonator has been identified by sources as English teacher Kerry Garfinkel. Students claim that they saw Garfinkel roaming the halls in a dark cloak while waving around a twig and excitedly murmuring.
“They said the seven years of Parseltongue classes were a waste of my time. Well, who had tickets to the coolest, most exclusive party of the year? Tom Riddle. I mean, me, it was me. I had the tickets,” Garfinkel said.“We may have overdone the exclusivity. The Voldemort dude was writhing around on the floor while the deejay played LMFAO on a loop for half an hour. Then he got tired and took a nap. We slipped out at that point,” junior David Jiang said.
“Only the worthy are allowed to party with the likes of me. AP Contemporaries and Classics is where you ought to be. I spit rhymes that make the snakes quiver. When I walked into the after party I made the whole house shiver,” Garfinkel said. The party ended shortly after Garfinkel pulled out his wand.