In a seamless political coup, the Stuyvesant School Safety Agents took over the small island of Calortta near the Floridian coast on Tuesday, March 27, and declared it their own country. Their absence has already been felt at Stuyvesant High School.
“When I walked into school on Wednesday [March 28], I immediately noticed the lack of my habitual pat-down and full body search,” said English teacher Philip Mott, who described himself as “what is known as a ‘loose cannon’ in securitorial jargon,” he said.
The Safety Agents named their country The Essential Republic of Securigardia and drafted a constitution of 47 articles. “Yes, the constitution is rather long,” Officer Rosario Ubilla said. “But all of the articles reflect the same basic principle: no food or beverages are allowed in or out of the country by any means […] With the exception of water bottles, of course. Water bottles can’t spill.”
Ubilla added that though the constitution’s rules are valid in principle, they can be hard to enforce. “If people try to sneak in contraband in handbags or, dare I say it, knapsacks, our whole security outfit is left virtually ineffective,” she said.
The Central Council for Securigardia, comprised of Ubilla and four other officers, is also holding elections for the leader of the newborn country. Currently, Officer John Montgomery is the “leading candidate for the position of Supreme Chancellor,” said Officer Tiffany Bates, who is the Chairwoman of the Central Council.
“If elected, I promise to enforce a reign of supreme strigency to the rules of this land,” Montgomery said. “I am running solely on a platform of ‘No Pizza Bagels, No Problems.’”
But it would seem that the island is already stringent, according to Principal Stanley Teitel, who visited this week to coax this security guards back into their jobs. But he encountered some difficulties when he left his suntan lotion on the boat. “I stepped off the island for a few seconds to locate my SPF 400 on the boat, and when I tried to get back on, I was stopped by border patrol,” Teitel said. “They wanted three valid forms of identification, as well as a note signed by my parents, my doctor, and my wife explaining my need for superior facial protection.”
Meanwhile at Stuyvesant, the school community has descended into chaos without “the completely logical and by no means unnecessary rules that once governed this great population,” English teacher and dean Mark Halperin said.
“Students and faculty alike are now free to roam about the halls without being quarantined or ordered to surrender their IDs and bagged lunch. Some students are even going to the cafeteria during their free periods. It’s madness.”
Indeed, the effects have been noticed across the faculty. “The absence of these security guards, these great behemoths of law and order, has been strongly felt at Stuyvesant,” social studies teacher and former dean Daniel Tillman said. “Heaven only knows what chaos tomorrow will bring.”