The Stuyvesant Red Cross announced last week that an estimated 80 percent of students were ineligible for donating blood at the most recent blood drive.

Traditionally, students filled out questionnaires regarding drug use before donating blood. However, this year, the administration changed their policy. “After the shocking outcome of the cheating survey last month, we believed it necessary to administer urine tests for all students wishing to donate blood,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “The results nearly made my beard jump off my face.”

This year restrictions barred a staggering amount of students, deeming 78 percent of students ineligible for blood donation. The results revealed a high concentration of illegal drugs in students’ blood, including, but not limited to cannabis, crack cocaine, powder cocaine, methamphetamine, morphine, and heroin.

Several students expressed outrage after they were prohibited from donating blood. “I was heartbroken when I was rejected from the drive,” said senior Brian Walsh.

“I had been looking forward to missing chemistry all week.” Walsh was a member of a large body of students who championed the blood drive as a vehicle for cutting class. “I already coordinated my outfit to match the pink compression bandage,” senior Zoe Goldstein said.

Members of many of Stuyvesant athletic teams were banned from donating blood after a high level of anabolic steroids was discovered in their blood. This list of athletes included members from the baseball, fencing, and even math teams. “Before competitions, I would stay in the bathroom, while my co-captain Mikhail Rudoy shot equipoise into my buttocks,” said Co-Captain and star mathlete Michael Scheer. “The whole school looks up to us. As the most successful Stuyvesant team, our blood should be cherished.”

Several unblinking and intensely focused students were prohibited from donating blood for abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin.

“Without my daily Adderall, how am I supposed to stay up all night complaining about how much work I have,” said Junior Nancy Ko.

“Hell, I don’t blame them,” said Social Studies teacher Daniel Tillman. “Back in high school, I had to take all kinds of drugs just to get by.”

“I am appalled that such drug use has remained undetected for all these years, even under the ever-watchful eyes of vigilant school security officers. This school is known for many things, but drug use is not one of them. Stuyvesant is a haven for pure and unadulterated learning,” Teitel said.