In its most recent purge of tal-ent from the student-run SING! production, the Stuyvesant administration has ejected a castrato from the performance. The student, who has participated in two prior SING! Productions, was found to be lacking some of the required body parts as set forth by the SING! Rulebook. According to Section 10, Article iv, which was added to the SING! Volume of Rules in 1732 after the neutering of young boys fell out of fashion, “No student may participate in SING! without full function of his/her testicles.”
When alerted of the often-overlooked rule, Coordinator of Student Affairs Lisa Weinwurm instantly had it redacted, and replaced with a more appropriate passage, using the phrase “external ellipsoid apparatuses” instead of “testicles” in an attempt to not offend “the hypersensitive and incredibly naive average Stuyvesant student,” she said.
“It could put Junior SING! at an unfair advantage. A voice that beautiful makes me remember what emotions used to feel like,” Weinwurm said.
The Administration has come under fire by civil rights groups, who claim that they are discriminating against the student. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) issued the following statement: “The unfair expulsion of this student is not only wrong, but grossly blown out of proportion.” Weinwurm refused to respond to the statement until they took out the word “blown,” which she found to be overly sexual, and therefore unfit for comment.
Weinwurm and the Administration did cave into the pressure, however, and allowed the student to participate in SING! given a few minor changes. The castrato had to mask his angelic voice with a computer program hooked up to the microphones. “This program deepened the voice from a light and elegant tone to something resembling the grainy and omnipotent voice of a man with enough testosterone for two wild bulls: Principal Stanley Teitel,” said computer science teacher Ashvin Jaishanker, who wrote the voice-deepening software.
“I’m glad we could come to an agreement,” said the castrato, who wished to remain anonymous. “Hopefully my new, overly masculine and sensual voice will arouse something else Ms. Weinwurm hasn’t felt in years: pride in her students.”