The New York Mets, plagued by debt, injuries at every position, a stadium large enough to hold all of the Yankees’ money but also to keep all possible Mets home run balls in play, and a lethargic set of owners, have decided to acquire the entire Stuyvesant Hitmen baseball team as part of their revamped farm system.
The move is already being hailed by many baseball analysts as the Mets’ best acquisition in team history. “Since 1962, the Mets have always provided baseball’s mediocre players with exuberant contracts. Signing the Hitmen is a huge step away from tradition, as it will provide an affordable influx of talent and more importantly, a well of healthy starters that the Mets can access as replacements for their injured players,” baseball analyst Peter Gammons said.
After 2011 National League batting champion Jose Reyes took his talents to South Beach, further shrinking the already miniscule Mets’ depth chart, the team had to make quite a few call-ups. As a result, the average age of the players in its 2012 starting lineup will be 18.4 years, eleven years younger than the league average. Despite the potential of its new members, the Mets are having trouble -marketing players whose identities befuddle even the most devoted fan.
“Every day, the Citi Field security staff mistakes me for one of our ball boys or a member of the Pepsi T-shirt crew,” said outfielder Charlie Kramer, who will be filling in the vacant centerfield position this spring. Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson, who had to steal his son’s Razor scooter to travel down to Port St. Lucie, Florida, for Spring Training this year after the Mets informed him that they couldn’t afford a plane ticket, was more interested in using the Hitmen in another way. “Yes, we have had our share of injuries, including Ike Davis’s recent bout with valley fever, and just the other day, Johan Santana threw out his back getting into his car and Jason Bay was diagnosed with a concussion after walking into a really clean glass door,” he said. “However, looking past their potential effect on the field, when I made the deal, it was with the intention that these Stuy geniuses could actually help our team with its finances.”
The deal has already generated a lot of enthusiasm among the Hitmen and their 27 fans. “After making the PSAL playoffs for 15 consecutive seasons, maybe we can teach the Mets a thing or two about what it takes to be successful—or at least how not to choke in September,” Hitmen coach John Carlesi said.
When asked about their reactions to the news, sophomore Kevin Li, along with the entire Stuyvesant student body, simultaneously said, “Wait, we have a baseball team?”
According to multiple sources in the Mets organization, the Hitmen will keep their home field at Pier 40. The organization believes that in having to dodge flying lacrosse balls, oversized rugby players, and agile soccer players while running to catch fly balls, the Hitmen outfielders will be more prepared to dodge the food items that will be cascading down from the stands at Citi Field throughout Mets’ 2012 season.
New Mets shortstop Kyle Yee said, “We’re looking forward to teaching these players a thing or two about baseball. However, I don’t think we have a shot with Jason Bay. Not only is he a Met, but also he is Canadian.”