Just three days ago, FOX News published a multi-page report detailing shocking statistics about the Stuyvesant student body. An undercover reporter — whose identity has been withheld for safety reasons — attended the school for eight months and was “shocked, simply shocked, at the amount of adolescent hormones raging through the school,” his publicist said.

Statistics ranged from classroom observations—62% of students sent or read a text message in class—to out-of  class conduct—80% of students greeted each other with physical contact, 48% of which was of an “embrace” variety. Others declare that 95% of students claim to be tired at least once throughout the day, and 40% use some sort of social networking site, predominantly Facebook and Tumblr.

“How are we supposed to teach them when they are probably busy daydreaming, angsting, or flirting?” Physics teacher Eugeniusz Majewski said. “I wrote my lesson plans with the expectations that they would all be intent on learning and paying attention.” Indeed, flirting (53%) topped both doodling (38%) and sleeping (49%) for most popular classtime activity, with learning coming in at a measly sixth place (24%). Furthermore, the report went on to publicize information on post-school activities. “Many students appear to congregate in groups often referred to as ‘cliques,’ many of whom have their own ‘watering holes,’” the report said. “Some areas seem to have certain personalities. For example, the “alcove” teenagers are much more relaxed than the “library” teenagers, and far more welcoming of outsiders.”

Some students were glad to have their fears confirmed — their friends are not, as it turns out, academia-minded robots. “I’m not surprised,” sophomore Mandy Wong said. “I always had the feeling my friends were thinking about more than chemistry when they sighed in class. This just confirms my suspicions.” According to the survey, 17% of Stuyvesant students have had a crush on a teacher.

Others, however, would have preferred to bury their heads in the sand; some have reacted with vehement denials, others with conspiracy theories. “What do they think this is, ‘Mean Girls’? Y’know, we may have crush lists, but that doesn’t mean we have Rachel McAdams strutting the halls, inciting catfights and stealing boyfriends,” junior Jake Soiffer said. “Please. We’re not like that. How can we even trust these stats? Do we know who the reporter is?”

The reporter’s publicist declined to comment on his identity, but revealed that he had taken precautions to fit in, including breaking the dress code and carrying around a pack of gum. The administration is currently unsure of how to proceed, and has instated a new DNA scanning system to prevent future infiltrations.