In a hard-fought match, the Stuyvesant co-ed varsity cricket team, the Crickets, managed to defeat the DeWitt Clinton Praying Mantises in the Public School Athletic League (PSAL) Championship, 1147-0. The victory culminated an impressive season, which saw the Crickets go undefeated.

Though this is the sixth straight season the team has won the championship, the win left members of the Stuyvesant community perplexed and astonished. “It’s about time the cricket team got recognized for their talent. Their victory moved me to tears,” AP Health and Physical Education Lawrence Barth said. “Cricket is the sport of true gentlemen.”

“I don’t care about how many times the Crickets win, the funding for this team can be used for more important things,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “The money should be used another useful electronic sign at the front entrance, or another school machinist,” he said. Teitel has since announced that he is committed to using the full force of the Board of Education to rid Stuyvesant of the sport at every stage.

Still, the team insists it deserves recognition. “I think that this victory proves that we are the most important team at Stuyvesant,” junior and captain Saiganesh Ravikumar said. “We definitely deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the bowling or fencing teams, or any other team that is held in high esteem by the Stuyvesant community.”

Junior Neeta D’Souza, who has played for the team since her freshman year, has consistently devoted hours of afterschool time and has become a prominent member of the team. “Cricket is my life,” D’Souza said. “I deserve to be recognized for my excellent stick-work and ball handling skills.”

In an effort to increase attendance and reward the team’s fans, the Crickets announced that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at future games would be allowed to leave extra early. “In order to get more fans, we are going to make it super easy for them to leave after the first pitch,” Ravikumar said. “The exclusive ticket holders will receive a special platinum pass that, when used, will give them exclusive access to VIP exits and allow them a free lunch dinner at any participating Halal stand.”

Several students, including senior and bowling team captain Kevin Li, who claimed that the coupon took fans away from bowling matches, is infuriated by the Cricket team’s new policy. “Cricket should not even be considered a real sport,” Li said. “All you do in cricket is pitch a ball. Bowling on the other hand is a man’s sport, we carry around the big balls.”