In response to parental criticism about Stuyvesant becoming a blatant meritocracy, Principal Stanley Teitel instated the “88 Or Obliterate” rule, which provides special privileges to students with a minimum grade point average of 88. “I figured there was no point hiding what we are. We love winners. And if you’re not winning, you’re losing. And if you’re losing, you’re not a winner. You’re an anti-winner,” Teitel said.

Teitel explained that those students with sufficiently high grades will be given the privilege of using the escalators, cafeterias, bathrooms, and other facilities. “A student approached me and said that using the bathroom shouldn’t be a privilege. Who do I look like, obscure billionaire Takemitsu Takizaki?” Teitel said. “Maintaining those toilets costs money, and I refuse to invest resources in anti-winners.” According to the new rule students with averages below 88 will be asked to climb stairs, find new eating facilities, and be creative about restrooms.

In order to enforce the new rule, professional bouncers have been hired and stationed all over the building and within a five-block radius of the school. There have been numerous complaints regarding the newly employed bouncers. “I had an emergency and really needed to use the bathroom, and because of my 87.9 average the bouncer handed me a waiver,” junior Elizabeth Gorodetsky said.

Students have also received new identification cards with stickers recording their overall GPA. The stickers were placed over the ID card photos, which offended a large group of students. “This is dehumanizing. Stuyvesant is reducing us to numbers. Yesterday, a teacher sent me home early because he claimed my hot pants were only worthy of a student with a 95 average,” junior Mallory Miller said.

There have been increasing numbers of protests against Teitel’s new policy. The majority of students are hoping to rise up against the meritocracy to create a more socialist grading system. “Let’s all share our grades and points. My legs are sore, my bladder full, my patience thin. The time to act is now. We are the 87 percent,” sophomore Sharar Rasha said.