In an alarming act of solidarity that some are calling a movement against Stuyvesant drug prevention policies, the senior class celebrated Senior Eye Drop Day on Friday, April 20. The celebration replaced Senior Sunglass Day, which was shut down due to a widespread faculty concern about marijuana smoking.
When alerted that seniors would collectively wear sunglasses to school on April 20, AP Pupil Personnel Services Eleanor Archie instantly banned sunglasses. “When I heard that there would be a mass-wearing of protective eyewear to prevent bright sunlight from damaging the eyes, a red light went off in my head. Such spectacles are an obvious sign of drug use, just as shirts with exposed midriffs are indicative of racism,” she said.
“These students clearly did not understand that by wearing sunglasses, they were disregarding the valuable information they acquired in health class,” Health Education teacher Barbara Garber said.
The new policy was widely supported by teachers. “I am glad this whole sunglass day nonsense is over,” biology teacher Dr. Maria Nedwidek said. “Now I know that all my students will pay attention in class even on this highest of holidays—the birth of renowned French botanist Charles Plumier in 1646.”
Many students were angered by the policy, claiming that it limited their freedom of expression. “To be honest, I was quite disappointed that Sunglasses Day was shutdown,” Physical Education teacher Howard Barbin said. “Being the sunglasses aficionado that I am, I was looking forward to showing off my new Maui Jim specs all year.”
In response to the prohibition of sunglasses, seniors swiped into school on Friday releasing droplets of saline solution into their eyes. “At first I thought the seniors were joining in the weeping that I experience every Friday before the weekend,” Principal Stanley Teitel said.
The ecstasy resulting from Eye Drop Day was so indisputable, that the administration believed it in their best interest to make April 20a school-sanctioned holiday.
“The euphoria that was present in the student body throughout the day was incredible,” Teitel said. “Students were less stressed and the cafeteria was the busiest it’s been in years. Not only did students laugh at my jokes, but they also gave me delicious brownies. Now if only the saline didn’t smell so bad!”