Stuyvesant administration stoked the flames of the controversial dress code debate by recently mandating that students dress more puritanically. “We want a modest look for our kids, something like a classy burlap potato sack,” Principal Stanley Teitel said. “So that’s what we did. Everyone must now have sacks.” According to faculty, the potato sack mandate will be extended to senior prom. Prom chaperones will deny entry to anyone that is in violation of the dress code.
Following this announcement regarding senior prom, Stuyvesant students have expressed their unanimous disapproval. In an act of defiance, the student body has refused to let the new dress code put a damper on its end-of-the-year celebrations. In discovering a clever loophole, the students have set off a fierce race to see who can wear the raciest potato sack to prom.
While many students will be creating their potato sack outfits at home, there are a few committed seniors who have commissioned renowned fashion houses like Dolce and Gabbana to design the skimpiest sacks allowed within the new guidelines. “It’s not easy making a potato sack look sexy,” a spokesperson for Dolce and Gabanna said. “But our sacks are known to push the envelope. We’re talking micro-minis, cut-outs, plunging necklines, the works. You’ll love the way your sack looks, I guarantee it.”
The students now view the mandate not as an impediment, but as a challenge. “The administration probably thinks that they’re really clever by making us dress in potato sacks, but joke’s on them. I have the slickest silk sack that’s guaranteed to drive the girls wild,” senior Edward Li said. “My date can’t decide on what kind of potato sack she wants.”
Potato sack manufacturers are ecstatic about the large increase in sack sales, but have issued a nationwide warning about certain possible side effects that may result from sack to skin contact. “Our sales just began to skyrocket, but now we have a mob of lawsuits. There are boys and girls complaining about ‘skin problems.’ The only problem they have is that they don’t know how to take care of themselves,” farmer Gerald Fitzgerald said. “The moral of the story is to use protection when you wear potato sacks, kids.”