Dear Ms. Leading,
1) I’ve been late to my English class every day this week. Do you have any advice on how I can wake up in the morning on time?
Never use an alarm clock. Nor should you ask someone else to wake you. Rely entirely on yourself; you’re a Stuyvesant student. Your sheer intelligence should jolt you awake when it’s time to go to class, like a blistering hot needle puncturing your skin. It won’t do that if it’s insulted by the presence of an alarm clock.
2) The indecent pop-ups that plague my computer have been distracting me! How do I stay focused as I do my homework?
Put off all your homework until fifteen minutes before class. The exhilarating pressure of having to complete your assignment in such a short window of time will ensure that your thoughts never leave your work. Be warned: awesome grades ahead.
3) I am new to this school and I am having trouble making friends. Why does everyone run away from me, and how can I get people to love me?
Patronize new people immediately upon meeting them. Proceed to inform them of all the ways you are superior to the underlings. They will think highly of you and desire to be around you at all times. Make sure to never make direct eye contact with your new friends, only look down at them and remain aloof. This will also make them want to bask in your glorious, powerful aura. If they run away in tears, it is to inform their friends of your awesomeness; this will happen regularly.
4) I haven’t been able to get a prom date for the past two months. How can get a girl to accept my corsage of love?
Swagger. It’s all about the swagger. Your swagger will serve as your colorful tail that makes the other peacocks look like pigeons. It all begins with a generous application of the finest selection of Axe body spray from the local Rite Aid. The aroma of the Axe will display your evident taste for the finer things in life. You must also don a flamboyant Ed Hardy t-shirt. Ensure that your shirt is adorned with at least four different colored rhinestones. This colorful display will exhibit your love of keeping things spicy. As you approach the woman, show off your sensitive side by serenading her with a romantic version of Lil Wayne’s latest release. Make sure to integrate a few “YOLO’s” into the proposal, and she will instantly be enthralled by your infinite swag-level. You may have 99 problems, but getting the ladies isn’t one.