In the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct, pizza magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain entered the race for Student Union (SU) President. Cain went on to win the primary election in a landslide, receiving 64 percent of the popular vote with 17 ballots cast in his favor.
Cain attributes his entry into the race to new, more relaxed regulations recently instituted by “the prestigious and not-at-all illegitimate Stuyvesant Board of Elections (BOE),” senior and BOE chair Bumsoo Kim said. On Friday, April 20, Cain announced his candidacy and launched his Facebook campaign page “Hermy 4 Prez <3.”
“The new rules were just the push I needed,” he said, “I am so glad to finally be campaigning for a position where I won’t have to worry about doing any work once I am elected. I think this will really help me come into my own as a politician.”
Cain entered the race with energy and determination, plastering the hallways with fresh and appealing campaign posters and championing several radical policies.
In his campaign announcement, Cain advocated a new era of facial hair in Stuyvesant. “My refined and trimmed moustache is what Stuyvesant needs to recover from the bearded years of Principal Stanley Teitel,” Cain said.
When asked about his policies, or really anything at all, Cain is quick to refer to his “9-9-9 plan,” which includes implementing a nine-period schedule, starting at 9:00 a.m., and giving students a new nine-minute grace period between bells. When asked how his extended passing time was better than his fellow candidate junior Adam Lieber’s five -minute alternative, Cain said, “The idea of a five-minute passing is preposterous, and frankly I don’t think that 9-9-5 makes very much sense, do you? It just sounds silly.”
“Did someone just say the same number three times?” Assistant Principal Mathematics Maryann Ferrara said. “I love it when that happens.”
Cain’s addition to the race and his fresh perspective has forced many of his candidates to reconsider their platforms and adjust their strategies in order to keep up.
“Have you seen his pamphlets?” SU presidential candidate junior Calvin Ng said. “His inclusion of free pizza coupons in campaign literature has completely redefined the traditional pamphlet-sudoku paradigm. How am I supposed to compete with that?”
Some candidates like Lieber have criticized Cain for his age. “My opponent must have repeated his junior year an astounding 59 times to even be eligible to run in a high school election. It’s simply ludicrous,” he said.