At the end of an all-faculty meeting on Monday, May 21, the Stuyvesant administration announced its plan to extend the cell-phone ban to include all 21st-century technology.
Principal Stanley Teitel said, “The ban was extended based on multiple claims of students using their smartphones to cheat on exams as well as a general feeling of disconnect expressed by the older staff members.”
Teitel dubbed this older faction of teachers the “Lost Generation” due to its members’ confusion regarding any modern technology.
After the decision was announced, veteran history teacher Dr. Reuben Stern wrote an enthusiastic telegram to his students commending the move and asking everyone to “please speak a little louder.”
Students, however, were appalled at the decision and condemned the administration for prohibiting valuable note-taking aids. “Why would I use my laptop for anything but taking notes in all of my valuable classes?” junior Wilson Stamm said.
Some students, however admitted they cannot go through the school day without relieving some tension with a handheld gaming device.
Senior and iPad aficionado Eli Rosenberg said, “How am I supposed to survive math without my daily Angry Birds fix?”
The decision was reached at the end of a heated three-hour debate. Many younger teachers argued that education could be improved with the aid of iPads, SmartBoards, and other modern devices. However, the older sect of the staff, led by technology teacher Greg Sarutto, claimed that the use of such tools is a step in the wrong direction. “Peter Stuyvesant was a good friend of mine,” Sarutto said. “And he would be appalled at the state of his school today.”
The rest of the technology department was equally supportive of the ban. “It’s a point of pride for us that Cadkey hasn’t been updated since 1933,” Drafting teacher Steven Rothenberg said.
The decision to ban technology was aptly timed to follow a restrictive dress code. Both policies are parts in a new school program called Every Gadget Left Behind. “The goal is to replicate the system of education that existed in New York under the school’s namesake Peter Stuyvesant,” Assistant Principal of Pupil Services Eleanor Archie said, “The next step is to bring back the dunce cap and replace the Chemistry department with an alchemy class.”