Dear Ms. Leading,

I don’t agree with the recent “Slutty” Wednesday/Friday protests at school, but I’m too scared to say anything about it. How can I voice my opinion on the event without being chastised by my “slutty” peers?

Sincerely,
Anti-“Slut”

Dear Anti-“Slut,”

The only way to respectfully address your concerns for this issue is to set up an anonymous account and criticize your classmates’ risqué attire on all of the online articles addressing the student protests. You and your ridiculous, socially acceptable fashion tastes are safe behind the computer screen, so say as many horrible honest things as you can. Studies have actually found that insulting teenagers on comment sections is one of the most effective ways of bringing about change. Trust me, it is extremely therapeutic, and this way no one will have his or her feelings hurt.

Be brave,
Ms. Leading

Dear Ms. Leading,

My dream is play as a forward for the Charlotte Bobcats, but I have never actually played basketball before in my life. Do you have any advice for how I can increase my chances of making it into the NBA?

Sincerely,
Hope Full

Dear Hope,

If your dream to be a part of the Bobcats, it helps that you’ve never played basketball. The first thing you should do is get on your high school basketball team. You have the advantage of beginner’s luck. Rely exclusively on that to get on the team, and whatever you do, don’t practice before the tryouts. Once you are on the team, you must outshine your teammates. Do not pass to any open teammates, do not follow game plans, and do not listen to your coach; be your own man. This constant display of leadership will guarantee your future on the Bobcats; get ready for all the honeys that will be coming your way.

Remember to bring your “A” game!
Ms. Leading

Dear Ms. Leading,

I had an accident. It was the kind of accident that gets you a new name like “Yellow River” and ruins your chance of ever getting a girlfriend. What can I do about this river’s uncontrollable tides?

Holding it in,
I.P. Freely

Dear I.P.,

Don’t hold it in– embrace it. Let your river flow as it wishes and learn from Mother Nature to use your gift as a way to find a mate. Wolves use their urine to claim their territory, so when you see the girl of your dreams, unleash the tides from within.

Be the wolf!
Ms. Leading