Stuyvesant High School’s Junior Prom was left in shambles after an attack by Somali pirates on Wednesday, June 6. The Coast Guard issued a statement about the assault that said “this was the worst maritime altercation since Leonardo DiCaprio thought he was ‘on top of the world…’”
The attack lasted three hours, starting at 7 p.m. and ending at 10 p.m. Many attributed the turbulence of the boat to strong winds, and stood by as the pirates attacked. “I could barely stand up as it was,” junior Patrick So said. “So I didn’t even notice the rocket propelled grenades hitting the boat.”
The pirates took four female hostages and demanded the booty that was on board. In addition, they pillaged the boat for melons and ladyfingers, little known delicacies in Somalia. “When the pirates took my date hostage I was distraught,” junior Leopold Sponghellert said. Upon further questioning he revealed that he in fact, did not have a date.
Luckily, newly elected Student Union president Adam Lieber was on board to diffuse the situation. “I quickly realized that this would come to be the defining crisis of my presidency, much like the Fall Festival Travesty of 2011 that occurred under the tenure of my predecessor.”
Lieber resorted to dipping into the supply of reserve TI-84s that were stashed in the hull. The pirates were eager to accept the proposal to replace their worn TI-83s. “Our TI-83s were just not sufficiently equipped to perform advanced row operations with augmented matrices,” native Somali and ship captain Long John Silver said.
Negotiations were cut short when President Leiber refused to satisfy the pirates’ demand to include triple-A batteries. Lieber was forced to exercise his newly found authority and called upon the Navy Seals to dispatch of the uncompromising pirates. However, after two hours of waiting, he was informed that he did not posses this power, or any other.
Left with no other options, Lieber had to use his secret weapon– the Junior SING! Jerk Squad, whose members forcefully ejected the sea men off the boat.
Reflecting on the night, Junior president and senior party planner Jennifer Zhou said that the choice to name the boat the USS Teitanic was premature and may have backfired on them in the end.