This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.

The summer of 2012 has proven to be quite a tumultuous one. Following the cheating scandal that placed Stuyvesant High School on the front page of numerous newspapers, the high school has also been forced to depart with a great leader and symbol of Stuyvesant pride.

“I don’t really know what to think anymore. This year hasn’t been easy on us, and now we have to say goodbye to the one person who was able rally the entire school,” senior Carlen Zhu said. “Admittedly his tenure wasn’t without its hiccups, but he was the best thing for this school, especially at a time like this.”

Following the resignation of this towering figure, students expressed their concern over who was set to replace him. “There can’t possibly be another one like him. His shining example and inspiring actions kept me going,” senior Patrick So said. “The outgoing seniors looked forward to having him at their graduation, but now we have been robbed of the opportunity.”

Students and faculty have started a petition with the hopes of saving their idol. “He is the hero New York City deserves and is the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt for him, because he can take it, and we’ll get him back,” Chemistry teacher Brain Dibbs said. “His towering figure, luscious locks, and glorious bass voice will be greatly missed. No one in the school will be able to carry on without the sound of his jovial presence. It’s time to get him back—Stuyvesant wants him. New York City needs him.”

Despite Stuyvesant’s numerous heartfelt attempts to save this icon, the school’s efforts proved to be futile. To the dismay of the school, and of this very publication, it has been announced by The New York Post that the “Big Apple star” will be leaving this town for another one far away.

The Humor Department would like to take this moment to extend to you, our one-time fearless leader and guiding light, our warmest congratulations and best wishes. Regardless of what the critics say, we know that you tried your hardest and always had the best intentions. You never let us down; we let you down, and there will never be enough apologies to ever make up for it. So instead, we want to wish you the best of luck. Jeremy Lin, you will be missed.