This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.

Health officials stormed into Stuyvesant High School on Thursday, September 6, and closed the swimming pool on the grounds that it was another swimming complex affected by the widespread Michael Phelps-Ryan Lochte craze. On Thursday, August 2, both swimming superstars admitted to urinating in pools in order to enhance their swimming performances. Since then, thousands of pools across the country have been closing because fans are trying to follow in the footsteps of their swimming idols.

“My dream was to become an Olympic swimmer, but up until a few days ago I never thought it could become my reality,” junior Alan Baranov said. “Never did it occur to me that peeing in the pool could improve my swimming abilities, but when my two heroes revealed their secret, it changed my life. I want to thank Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte—they have shown me that a little pee can take you a long way.”

“This Phelps-Lochte peeing craze has taken over Stuyvesant High School. Bladder control has become a lost art, and the students are suffering because of it,” New York City health official Blake Johnson said. “I bet if I had an eight-pack and won a few gold medals in the Olympics, people would listen to me too.”

Many students were sent home due to illnesses they acquired from the contaminated water. However, the boys’ and girls’ swim team members stayed in the pool. “I have my swimmers urinate in the pool after every lap. It is the key to success,” boys swim team coach Peter Bologna said. “To be the city champions every year it takes dedication, hard work, and a gifted bladder.”

After numerous investigations, it has been stated that pool renovations will take several months to complete, due to the build up of urine and toxins, which have severely damaged the walls of the pool. The administration has formally announced that the school pool will remain closed for the majority of the upcoming school year.

With renovations ongoing, the swim team has now found itself homeless and unable to perform at their old standards.

“As Coach always told us, ‘We are the pee.’ And without it, we have lost our winning edge,” Penguins co-captain Phylicia Rodriguez said. “It will take years before we can immerse another pool with so much urine. Our city championship and reputation were riding on that pee.”