This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
In a shocking twist that some are calling “Stuyvesant’s scandal of the week,” freshman Alex Huang was caught cheating on the Stuyvesant swimming test on June 7, 2012. A combination of miniature jet-propulsion devices—designed by Huang himself—and Costco-brand floaties allowed him to travel the width of the pool despite the fact that he had no previous swimming experience.
However, proctor and physical education teacher Howard Barbin quickly noticed Huang’s tactics and removed him from the pool. “If a student simply copies the stroke of the swimmer to his right or left, we usually let it slide,” Barbin said. “But blatant cheating must be properly disciplined.”
All students must pass the swimming test in order to graduate from Stuyvesant. This test, along with the Physics Regents examination, is widely considered the most challenging obstacle Stuyvesant students must overcome. “I’ve had an immense fear of water ever since I saw ‘Jaws’ when I was seven [years old],” Huang said. “Since then, I haven’t gone near water. Or sharks.”
Parents and administrators alike were deeply disappointed in Huang, with some even calling it a disgrace. “I am deeply disappointed in my son,” said Dai Huang, the perpetrator’s father. “I taught my son: ‘Success at all costs.’ This is failure. How hard is it to remember chicken-airplane-soldier? He will sleep outside tonight.”
Reporters from The New York Times, The New York Post, The Daily News, The Daily Bugle, The Daily Planet, and Dateline India have been seen near Stuyvesant attempting to conduct interviews about the incident. Former principal Stanley Teitel declined to comment, but Stuyvesant students have devoted their lunch periods to trying to make the news. “The whole world needs to hear our opinions,” senior Isabelle Clark said. “We are the brightest, cleverest, most insightful high school students in all of Tribeca.”
This episode is just the latest in a series of scandals for Stuyvesant High School, which gave rise to the headline that aired on Fox News on Wednesday, August 28: “Racist, Arsonist Sluts Can’t Swim.”
“That’s actually one of the nicest things the media has said about us in months,” math teacher Deena Avigdor said.
Many students were deeply angered by the news, criticizing the alleged cheater for taking shortcuts. “I went to prep classes for years to prepare for this exam,” junior Eddie Zilberbrand said. “Some kids had summers– I didn’t have summers.”
Students who do not pass the swimming test are required to take Swim Gym, an extremely rigorous course. “I didn’t have the luxury of cheating, and, as a result, freshman fall was the worst semester of my life,” said sophomore Demos Sfakianakis, who failed Swim Gym. “The swim cap always ruined my hair, and the breast stroke still gives me nightmares.”
The administration has pledged to take immediate action to punish Huang for his academic and aquatic dishonesty. “Chinese water torture is probably the most appropriate,” Assistant Principal of Pupil Personnel Services Eleanor Archie said.
In the aftermath of this scandal, investigators have discovered many other instances of cheating at Stuyvesant High School. As each new incident arises, it becomes more evident that cheating is an epidemic at Stuyvesant. “It’s not just the swim test that people are cheating on,” physical education teacher Philip Fisher said. “These ragamuffins have been using performance-enhancing drugs on the Fitness Gram for years.”