This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
New York City Department of Education (DOE) announced in a press conference on Friday, September 14, that, according to a DOE study, only smart students cheat. The study was completed in the DOE’s laboratories located in the Bronx High School of Science. The scientists spent several months hypothesizing, experimenting, and analyzing to reach their conclusion.
Following Stuyvesant High School’s cheating scandal, the DOE was requested by both the New York Post and Fox News to perform the study. To pay for this research, both news sources utilized Stuyvesant’s “Buying and Selling” Facebook groups, generating over $1000 dollars by selling old dresses and phones.
Scientists for the study were chosen carefully from various acclaimed science programs throughout the city. Scientist Alicia McAllister was chosen from the Borough of Manhattan Community College, given its proximity to Stuyvesant. When asked how she felt, McAllister sounded overjoyed. “Finally, I’ll be able to utilize the scientific method I just learned,” McAllister said.
The study took half a year to finish, 6 months longer than what DOE Chancellor Dennis Walcott expected. “It took us a week to calculate the coin-flip results, considering we didn’t have any calculators. After that, considering how long it took for us to wrap up with the rock-paper-scissors tests, I’m proud that it only took us 6 months to complete the study,” McAllister said .
Stuyvesant students, as well as students from other specialized high schools around the city, were offered Shake Shack coupons to participate in the experiment. Researchers utilized an advanced algorithm based on aerial currency rotation to determine who cheated. “If a student’s coin landed heads-up, he was deemed a cheater—if the coin landed tails-up, he was considered innocent,” McAllister said.
One of the subjects in the study was senior David Jiang. “For some reason Lady Luck always gave me heads. I thought it was odd the fifth time in a row that I got heads, but by the 50th time it just started to remind me of that party I went to last week,” Jiang said.
Other Stuyvesant students experienced similar results. McAllister explained this: “Stuyvesant students were given double-headed coins while other schools used double-tailed coins. We don’t think this has any impact on the outcome of our study. We have finally deemed that all Stuyvesant students are cheaters.”