This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
In an unprecedented decision by the New York City Department of Education (DOE), an enforcer has been hired to discipline the unruly students of Stuyvesant High School.
“The use of cell phones in a school setting for the purpose of cheating has gone undetected and unpunished for far too long,” DOE Chancellor Dennis Walcott said. “This is our last option to establish a peaceful learning environment in the twisted, backwater, [feceshas almost single-handedly created a new safe and secure environment. His progressive methods in student discipline have ensured that cell phone use in Stuyvesant is a thing of the past.
Grafanello caught freshman Annabelle Gary talking to her mother on the phone during her lunch period. Using his skills in psychology and child discipline, he dealt with the infraction with true professionalism. “He urinated on my cell, and then kicked me in the face,” said Gary.
Senior Patrick So, a notorious cell-phone user, is in the hospital with two broken kneecaps. “He just slipped and fell right onto my crowbar. I swear it,” said Grafanello, in regards to the incident. “Anyway, he sexts like a woman.”
Grafanello has even proven that his range of expertise extends beyond enforcing cell phone rules. “Graffy caught me playing hacky sack in the hallway, and then kidnapped my wife and puppies,” mathematics teacher David Park said. “That is the kind of attitude that will finally put an end to plagiarism.”
As a result of Grafanello’s determination and hard work, cell-phone use in Stuyvesant has dropped 80 percent in the last month. However, this may be because 80 percent of students have stopped attending school.
Many faculty members are thrilled with the new direction the school is going in. “I just love the new changes [Grafanello] is making,” Interim-Acting Principal Jie Zhang said, with beads of sweat forming on her face. “He is a shining light to guide us through these hard times. That’s definitely the truth and I am certainly not being threatened in any way. Did I mention how well he wields his enforcer stick?”
Students, too, are praising Grafanello for eradicating cell phone use in Stuyvesant. “I’m terrified to even take out my calculator now,” Junior Lindsay Bu said.
The DOE is pleased with the results of the enforcer in Stuyvesant and has decided to award him a permanent position as Assistant Principal of Student Affairs and Family Engagement. “I was thrilled to hear I got the job,” Grafanello said. “Walcott made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”