This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.
In the wake of his decisive reelection victory over challenger Mitt Romney, President Obama has decided to celebrate his victory with a visit to the staunchly blue state of Colorado.
“I’m higher than the unemployment rate, and I don’t give a damn,” Obama said, between mouthfuls of Fritos and ramen noodles. “This is the most fun I’ve had since I bailed out the auto industry.”
Obama was believed to be staying at Denver’s renowned Holiday Inn Express for the first three nights of his stay. However, he, First Lady Michelle Obama, and their two daughters Sasha and Malia were asked to leave when management discovered that they were hoarding all of the food at the breakfast buffet.
To make matters worse, the President’s vacation was cut short when federal police arrested him for possession of an immense amount of marijuana; though the substance has been legalized in Colorado, it is still illegal under federal law. The President promptly pardoned himself and resumed the party. “There are a lot of people in this country who don’t like me,” Obama said. “They can smack me around, but they can’t stop me from getting smacked—I’m Bongrack Oganja mother[expletive deleted]!”
Some Stuyvesant students were appalled upon hearing about Obama’s trip.
“The national deficit has, like, octupled since Obama’s been in office,” freshman Antonia Stefanescu said. “Why is he spending so much of our budget on glaucoma medication?”
“This proves, once and for all, that he is a socialist,” openly Republican junior Austin Ostro said.
However, Romney had nothing but kind words for the President. “I am happy for him, going up there, letting his mind go a little bit,” he said. “Personally, I would never do that: I far too highly value the constancy of my mindset. My thoughts, values, beliefs, positions on taxes, abortion, and health care are uncompromisable,” Romney said.
Ever since Election Day, the state of Colorado has become the most popular vacation spot for Americans. It has also become the most popular vacation spot for Canadians, Mexicans, Alaskans, and those from most countries around the world.
“Colorado is the new Amsterdam,” Assistant Principal English Eric Grossman said, his two suitcases (one for clothes, the other Doritos) in hand. “I’m thinking of sponsoring a class trip out there for a month or so.”
Though the president earned his vacation, sooner or later he needs to address the major issues that continue to plague our nation. “What our country needs right now is a government that thinks out of the box,” Obama said. “That is why my first order of business is to enact a $700 billion bailout of the marijuana industry. My advisors have calculated that this amount of the exquisite flora could keep the entire U.S. government at an altered mental state until the year 2420.”