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Big Sib Little Sib Dance Descends Into Incestuous Chaos
**Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.** Though Stuyvesant’s annual Big Sib Little Sib Dance had been intended to be a “fun, innocent occasion for Stuyvesant freshmen and their Big Sibs to get to know each other,” this year’s dance, held on Friday, September 16, degraded into a chaotic and sinful debacle from which the Stuyvesant community [...]
Senior Implicated In Locker Trading Ponzi Scheme
Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander. Security guards forcibly removed senior William Francis Knight IV from his 9th period Existentialism class on Thursday, September 8 and took him into custody. Earlier in the week, suspicions arose regarding Knight’s activities on a Facebook group titled “LOCKER [...]
Study Shows Freshmen Get Smaller Every Year
**Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.** A study released by New York University on Thursday, September 8, has confirmed the long-held belief that high school freshmen decrease in size every year. The study, titled “Diminution in Average Size of Ninth Grade Students over Time,” cites 20 years [...]
Extreme Physical Unattractiveness of Student Body Leads to New Dress Code
*Disclaimer: All humor articles are works of fiction. Quotes should be considered slander/libel. Starting in September 2011, students who try to enter Stuyvesant while exposing any skin can expect extreme admonishment, according to a new dress code released by Principal Stanley on Tuesday, June 7. The creation of the dress code prohibits the wearing of [...]
Student in Shorts Denies Feeling Cold
**Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander.** In light of the 45 degree weather on Thursday, March 10th, Junior Connor Justice shed his jeans in favor of a pair of tan khaki shorts. “It was the first time in months that it was above 30 degrees outside, I had to celebrate somehow,” Justice [...]
SING! Afterparty Censored by Administration
*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.* In a departure from the laissez-faire policy of previous years, the Stuyvesant Administration has taken steps to make the SING! afterparty, an annual celebration commemorating the end of SING!, a more “family friendly” event. With students paying up to $30 [...]
Programming Office Relocates to Siberia
*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.* Due to the recent influx of students seeking program changes, the programming office has, as of Friday, February 25, moved their base of operations from room 239 to a clandestine bunker in the Zheleznogórsk region of northern Siberia. Rodney Lyons, a new spokesman for the [...]
Soph-Frosh SING! Nominated for Tony Award
*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.* The American Theater Wing announced its nominations for the 65th annual Antoinette Perry Awards for Excellence in Theater, also known as the Tony Awards, on Sunday, March 6. Among the esteemed nominees was Stuyvesant High School’s Soph-Frosh SING! 2011, a controversial powerhouse [...]
Escalator Becomes Self Aware; Faces Existential Crisis
*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.* On January 13th, 2011, the escalator running from floors two to four ground to a deliberate halt, provoking groans from students riding the escalator up to their classes. This escalator breakdown was like no other: the escalator, at exactly 1:23 [...]
U.S. Government Pledges $700 Billion Bailout of Wall Street Elective
*Disclaimer: Humor articles may be works of fiction. Quotes should be considered libel and slander.* In a White House press conference on Friday, President Obama announced his support of a 700 Billion dollar bailout of Stuyvesant High School’s popular “Wall Street” elective (HF5PWS). The class, taught by Mr. George Kennedy, has faced many difficulties in [...]
