Humor
Chaos Ensues At Sophfrosh Semiformal
Tensions ran high Friday night when a freshman, who has asked to remain anonymous, entered the infamous Soph-Frosh Semiformal wearing attire that witnesses estimated to be about three-quarters formal. Chaos ensued, as authorities had not been trained to handle such an infraction. A first-response team took action by giving the improperly dressed attendee a large [...]
Senior Dazzles Audiences with ‘Promtacular’ ‘Promposal’
In the midst of dozens of ‘promposals’ this prom season, one man has clearly strayed from the pack to create what some are calling the defining promposal of this generation. Last Friday, senior Timmy Levin awed students and faculty alike with his elaborate and charming display for Bebe LeGardeur. The promposal commenced at the beginning [...]
Federal Government Lowers National Debt by $6.57
Washington DC—Last Thursday, after over four years of partisan gridlock, Republicans and Democrats came together in the House of Representatives and decided on six dollars and 57 cents they all agreed could be taken out of the national budget. The agreement marked the first piece of legislation passed since LeBron James last went to see [...]
Junior Prom to be Held on Staten Island Ferry
The Junior Caucus (JC), citing massive budget shortfalls, has decided that this year’s Junior Prom will be held aboard the Staten Island Ferry. Michael Sugarman, a member of the Junior Advisory Council, assured reporters that the Ferry represents the best venue available for the event. “We were about to settle on the A train or [...]
North Korea Declares War on South Korean Puppets
Last week, in a shocking turn of events, Kim Jong-Un, beloved leader of North Korea, ended the armistice with South Korea and declared a state of war. The full war declaration from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea condemned and threatened “U.S. imperialists and South Korean puppets.” South Korean puppets immediately began gearing up for [...]
Stuyvesant Holds Disastrous Open House
On March 19, Stuyvesant held its annual open house for incoming freshmen. The open house is intended to show excited, fresh-minded, innocent, and gullible new students the ins and outs of their future high school. However, due to a few unprecedented mishaps, the open house was less effective than hoped. “Normally we help out by [...]
Class of 2017 Most Diverse One Ever
The incoming class of 2017 has been hailed as one of the most diverse in the history of Stuyvesant, with students hailing from every single province of China and Korea. The administration credits the enactment of several policies—such as having Assistant Principal of Student Affairs & Parent Engagement Brian Moran scratch the belly of a [...]
AP Prices Rise Drastically
For the last two decades the price of college tuition has been increasing at a rate that has severely outpaced the growth in average household income. As a result, more and more students graduate from college with a frighteningly large debt, having nothing but their degree in Women’s Studies to pay it off. This [...]
Inconsistency in Performance Enhancement
Everyone beats up on athletes who use “performance-enhancing drugs.” Exposure of this can, and has, ruined many careers. But why do we care so much about athletes basing their careers and fortune on lies, when so many other occupations have done the same through different and less controversial techniques? The most famous example is the [...]
Stuyvesant Students Intern as Garbage Men
The Stuyvesant Environmental Club has decided to launch another green initiative. Realizing that they need to be more aggressive and comprehensive in their campaign, they decided to emulate their long-time idols: the garbage collectors of NYC. “Parents never encourage their kids to be garbage men,” Sanitation Commissioner John J. Doherty said. “But this could finally [...]
