April Fools 2012
High School Wrestlers Denied Chance to Someday Plow Each Other on World Stage
On Tuesday, February 12, the International Olympic Committee announced its plans to discontinue the long-held tradition of slamming unitard clad bodies against each other on a sweaty mat, a sport otherwise known as wrestling. The decision came after a secret ballot held at the official Olympic Headquarters, in which it was decided to replace wrestling [...]
Freedom of Information
In September, The Stuyvesant Spectator Editorial Board requested official documents regarding the Stuyvesant cheating scandal and the subsequent administrative response. We hoped to use these documents to uncover the truth behind conflicting claims that Principal Teitel violated protocol during the cheating scandal, and hopefully, clear his name. These are public documents under the Freedom of [...]
Re: New policy – No more using Stuy’s floors!
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL. IT HAS BEEN SENT FROM A ‘SEND ONLY’ MAILBOX This message is from Stuyvesant High School. – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear STUDENT, Yesterday, the Center for Disease Control released a report stating that as of March 1, 2013 a [...]
School Safety Agents Form New Country
In a seamless political coup, the Stuyvesant School Safety Agents took over the small island of Calortta near the Floridian coast on Tuesday, March 27, and declared it their own country. Their absence has already been felt at Stuyvesant High School. “When I walked into school on Wednesday [March 28], I immediately noticed the lack [...]
Unearthed From The Slushpile: Something Old, Something New, Something Alaskan, Something Blue
Take a blind man and let him into a band closet. Have him randomly pick instruments, give those to a few charming Brooklyn boys with silky hairdos and 5’ o clock shadows, and send the ensemble off to chilly Alaska. While the origin tale of Red Eye Loveboat may seem like a hoax, their music [...]
Reviewers Reviewing Reviews of SING!
In the days after the publication of the SING! reviews, students buzzed with a flurry of opinions; grades tended to be equally divided between unadulterated approval and unabashed scorn. In light of the criticisms and witticisms received, we decided to take a look at all three in a light not tinted by computer screens and [...]
Undercover Investigation Reveals Stuyvesant Students Stress, Text, and Flirt
Just three days ago, FOX News published a multi-page report detailing shocking statistics about the Stuyvesant student body. An undercover reporter — whose identity has been withheld for safety reasons — attended the school for eight months and was “shocked, simply shocked, at the amount of adolescent hormones raging through the school,” his publicist said. [...]
Jeremy Lin New Economics Teacher
Linsanity has reached the classrooms of Stuyvesant High School in unprecedented levels after Jeremy Lin announced that he would be teaching Economics in the spring. According to reliable sources, following his acceptance to be guest speaker for the graduating class of 2012, the New York Knicks phenomenon requested a job at Stuyvesant. Lin demanded his [...]
Writing Across the Curriculum Extended to Lunch Classes
Principal Stanley Teitel announced that he will extend the Writing Across the Curriculum policy to lunch courses on Tuesday, March 14. Writing Across the Curriculum is a school-wide program implemented in 2010, which requires teachers in all subjects to assign writing assignments to their students. The initiative to bring this policy to the lunch department [...]
Mets Expand Farm System to Stuyvesant Hitmen
The New York Mets, plagued by debt, injuries at every position, a stadium large enough to hold all of the Yankees’ money but also to keep all possible Mets home run balls in play, and a lethargic set of owners, have decided to acquire the entire Stuyvesant Hitmen baseball team as part of their revamped [...]
