Other students who will be able to wrestle in college have decided to stick with the wrestling team despite this major blow to the sport’s prestige. When a remarkably high number of four students showed up to practice last week, it brought a manly tear to coach Michael Cigala’s eye. “It’s beautiful, it really is. I see these kids come and practice every day and sometimes it almost seems like they enjoy getting their heads stuffed up a 200-pound, sweaty kid’s armpit. I am truly inspired by their loyalty,” Cigala said immediately after dubbing the fattest child left on the team ‘Piggy.’

For students who practice even more frivolous sports, the Olympic Committee’s decision has been a blessing in their search for legitimacy. After the news broke, several members of the Stuyvesant golf team released statements mocking the wrestlers. “As we stroll over Rio’s beautiful greens in 2016, perhaps we’ll let our caddies take a break from carrying our clubs so they can pour us a glass of 50-year-old scotch that we will raise in your sweaty, disease-clad honor,” junior Takeshi Fukui said

However, more seasoned Un-Olympic sports teams offered their condolences to the wrestlers. The captains of the Ultimate Frisbee and baseball teams and the head of the Pokemon Club released a joint-statement consisting of five words: “Welcome to the club, wrestlers.”

another step to dictate how students spend their time. Thanks to the new library policy, It can no longer enter the library fifteen minutes isn’t beginning of each period unless they have against the law signed will a teacher. The justification?

To Be made want to eat lunch and go to the library afterwards, fifteen minutes simply is not enough time To send you the documents Before the start bell even rings, lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they are in 2035. lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd length

 
Anyway, and eat food lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd le Anway, managed to succeed with just a minute left before the doors close. No longer is the lunch a time to rel rules ax and do some work if there’s time to spare. The lunch period has now become the survival fittest, were meant a da has shorter to see who can to be broken. crowed stairways ngths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd lengths. Even if students choose to

 

absurd lengths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they lunch lines reach absurd le If you have, managed to succeed with just a minute left before the doors close. No longer is the lunch a time to rel any further questions ax and do some work if there’s time to spare. The lunch period has now become the, a da ha sshorter to see whplease do hesitate to contact us. crowed stairways ngths. Even if students choose to go to the deli bar, which often has shorter lines, they, they

*Sections of this email were blacked out as per Section 205 (c) d 1-495-95942325 of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).

Sincerely,

Jabo Barinelli

The Assistant of the Assistant of the Copy Boy’s Assistant

(212) 374-6888

FOIL@schools.nyc.gov

Subpoena Unit

Phone: (212) 374-6888

Fax: (212) 374-5919

Dear STUDENT,

Yesterday, the Center for Disease Control released a report stating that as of March 1, 2013 a total of 2,000 Stuyvesant students have died of cholera, typhoid, typhus, and other infectious diseases caused by overcrowding. We are appalled. Stuyvesant students are usually known for their high grades, and 58% is simply unacceptable. In order to ensure that Stuyvesant receives an A on the next overcrowding report, we have decided to implement a few new policies.

Our first concern is the library.

Please understand that renovating the library was an expensive project, and cleaning up the mess of the five students who are allowed to enter each period is tiresome for employees. Thus, as of April 1, students will no longer be permitted to occupy the library before school, after school, or between periods 1 and 10. Making the library more available for students is a secondary concern to keeping it under control, as students can always not be on the fifth floor instead.

Next, please note that the cafeteria will be strictly off-limits during lunch periods. We’ve noticed that students are using the cafeteria to eat food, make noise, and have fun, violating the long-established principle that teenagers should sit at desks all day long.

This new policy will prevent students from cutting class in the cafeteria, because we know that this is the place where teenagers do whatever teenagers do. In fact, this policy is projected to eliminate cutting entirely, according to Spanish teacher and Dean Manuel Simon. “The bestias aren’t even smart enough to hang out in the hallways, or go outside,” Simon said.

Finally, the first floor will be off-limits as well, because when students speak in super-quiet-corner-of-the-floor incognito voices, teachers who are projecting their voices in their classrooms feel inferior. If you continue to talk and make the teachers feel insecure, they will have to go to therapy, and the school will be responsible. We can’t afford to pay for another lawsuit.

The main reason for all of these changes, however, is that we are implementing a new project, named “Lock Yourself in the Freakin’ Bathroom Along with All Other Students Sharing Your Frees/Lunch.” You will find that restricting yourself to the restroom will be a wonderful alternative to all options that we have taken away.

We will be implementing a few new policies to further this new initiative:

1) You will receive a third barcode on your student IDs. Every time you need to use the little girl’s or boy’s room, you will have to swipe. We don’t care if you’re in a hurry and all  hell may break loose if you don’t go soon, because this way we can keep track of how many people take advantage of this wonderful opportunity we offer here at Stuyvesant. (Please note that students may be patted down until they are nearly unconscious to ensure further safety.)

2) There will be a “talking” and a “silent” section in each bathroom. The stalls will be the talking section. Conversing between stalls will be a great way to test each other, get homework from classmates, and make friends in general. However, the urinals in the boys bathrooms will be a strict don’t-look-at-each-other-because-it-would-be-super-awkward-and-for-the-love-of-god-don’t-freakin’-say-anything section.

Hopefully, we will be able to begin the “Pack Everyone into Containers During Frees/Lunch” initiative in the 2013-2014 academic year. For now, however, we are postponing that initiative because we can’t afford the containers.

Sincerely,

Jie Zhang

Principal

“When I walked into school on Wednesday [March 28], I immediately noticed the lack of my habitual pat-down and full body search,” said English teacher Philip Mott, who described himself as “what is known as a ‘loose cannon’ in securitorial jargon,” he said.

The Safety Agents named their country The Essential Republic of Securigardia and drafted a constitution of 47 articles. “Yes, the constitution is rather long,” Officer Rosario Ubilla said. “But all of the articles reflect the same basic principle: no food or beverages are allowed in or out of the country by any means […] With the exception of water bottles, of course. Water bottles can’t spill.”

Ubilla added that though the constitution’s rules are valid in principle, they can be hard to enforce. “If people try to sneak in contraband in handbags or, dare I say it, knapsacks, our whole security outfit is left virtually ineffective,” she said.

The Central Council for Securigardia, comprised of Ubilla and four other officers, is also holding elections for the leader of the newborn country. Currently, Officer John Montgomery is the “leading candidate for the position of Supreme Chancellor,” said Officer Tiffany Bates, who is the Chairwoman of the Central Council.

“If elected, I promise to enforce a reign of supreme strigency to the rules of this land,” Montgomery said. “I am running solely on a platform of ‘No Pizza Bagels, No Problems.’”

But it would seem that the island is already stringent, according to Principal Stanley Teitel, who visited this week to coax this security guards back into their jobs. But he encountered some difficulties when he left his suntan lotion on the boat. “I stepped off the island for a few seconds to locate my SPF 400 on the boat, and when I tried to get back on, I was stopped by border patrol,” Teitel said. “They wanted three valid forms of identification, as well as a note signed by my parents, my doctor, and my wife explaining my need for superior facial protection.”

Meanwhile at Stuyvesant, the school community has descended into chaos without “the completely logical and by no means unnecessary rules that once governed this great population,” English teacher and dean Mark Halperin said.

“Students and faculty alike are now free to roam about the halls without being quarantined or ordered to surrender their IDs and bagged lunch. Some students are even going to the cafeteria during their free periods. It’s madness.”

Indeed, the effects have been noticed across the faculty. “The absence of these security guards, these great behemoths of law and order, has been strongly felt at Stuyvesant,” social studies teacher and former dean Daniel Tillman said. “Heaven only knows what chaos tomorrow will bring.”

The group’s only release, a 3-track EP titled “The Moon May Love You, But I Don’t (Soliloquies For Deaf-Mutes),” has earned them the recognition of critics worldwide, and their recent show at SXSW further cemented the fact that ensemble is here to stay.

The opening track, “The Baby In The Well,” captures the fleeting loneliness of the Alaskan wilderness that served as their main inspiration. The song begins with a traditional Yupik chant by main vocalist Joseph Dernat. The rhythmic background is established by Will Short, whose cajon playing on the track is nothing short of impeccable. While banjo twanging by Dernat establishes an initial melody, the real highlight of the track is Benedict Shifrin’s post-modern tromboon solo. His playing is reminiscent of saxophone jazzer Steve Lehman and is an unrelenting display of musical aggressiveness.

The last song on the EP, “Gentle Strokes,” continues with their theme of isolation, but also demonstrates the band’s willingness to explore unconventional musical ideas. Taking a cue from the Minimalist movement, the track is comprised mainly of a swung 7/8 electric triangle part. Dernat fills the void out with an occasional howl, at other times using a musical saw, reminiscent of deep human breathing, to explore unconventional timbres. Finally, Short showcases his brass talent with a sousaphone, remaining in the background with a sparse bass line that tenderly tugs the track along.

“3:42” is the anomalous song. A testament to the band’s worldliness, the track seems like a traditional New Orleans funeral tune. Short’s pounding sousaphone work provides the backbone for a march while Shifrin builds a lamentful melody on the tromboon. The percussion, however, is a doozy– his bongo and marimba playing is much more Latin than Creole, but it ties together, giving the track its unusual liveliness. Furthermore, the occasional tooting of a slide whistle serves to accentuate an unusual polyrhythm at calmer parts of the song.

It is rare that a band like Red Eye Loveboat comes around– one brimming with so much raw talent and electric energy, yet still effective in delivering its artistic message without impeding its own talent. With a first release that sings the sorrowful songs of its generation, we can rest assured that the group will continue to eclipse their previous efforts, but the real question is: where to next?

Soph-Frosh SING!

The Soph-Frosh SING! review found a heart-wrenchingly beautiful yet tauntingly undefined aspect of the show that viewers had been unable to articulate. Its raw, unfinished style reflected that of the Soph- Frosh SING! set, with remaining track changes contributing to the deconstructed atmosphere. “I was struck by those two card-suit-emblazoned boxes onstage,” said senior Mollie Forman, who reviewed Soph-Frosh SING!. “They were so minimalist, yet so striking. I really tried to do the same for my review itself.” Forman’s persistent puns echoed those found in SING! performances, while the snarky descriptions of performers were reminiscent of the performance’s treatment of the other grades, and the glowing compliments were as few and far between as those to whom they pertained. Freshman Kyler Chase, however, disagreed with some of Forman’s less-than-complimentary comments. “We did not ‘fall flat like a deck of cards,’” he said. “We were obviously the best. Señor Uno’s sexy dancers? That’s never ever been done before!” When pushed on what parts, if any, he’d change, he admitted, “I don’t think the audience got the full impact of our set. We probably should have cut out all the unnecessary parts, like signs.” Like Soph-Frosh SING!, the review ranged from inscrutable to blindingly obvious, explaining some points that felt clear as day, and leaving other mystifying aspects, such as what happened in the entire plot, unclear. However, it stands as a good effort to convey not just the story, but the frustration, of the show.

Junior SING!

Junior SING!’s review valiantly tried to capture the essence of the performances, and for the most part, succeeded. However, a few misattributed lines rendered the review eerily reminiscent of the behind-thescenes drama of Junior SING!’s Facebook group. Other aspects of the review mirrored the show itself, from awkward transitions to occasionally abrupt endings. Some juniors felt that the review was too critical and too harsh. “Who gave [seniors Shah Alam and Tong Niu] the right to call out my crew by name?” junior and swing crew director David Kheyman said. “Please. You call someone a critic and suddenly they think they have the right to start critiquing you. This is SING!. We’re not looking for Simon Cowell here.” Still more thought that the review was inauthentic in its acclaim. “From what I’ve heard, there was a huge dichotomy between what was intended and what was printed,” senior Mostafa Elmadboly said. “Apparently the administration stepped in once they saw the original draft. But I didn’t read the article – or see SING!, for that matter – so honestly, what do I know?” However, others were more than pleased by the praise heaped on Junior SING!. “They loved our costumes,” said junior Teresa Huang, co-director of costume crew. “They said they were ‘functional.’ What more could you ask for in a good review?”

Senior SING!

If asked about Senior SING!, most students would agree on its strengths. “They were funny. I mean, I’m not entirely sure what was going on, but I liked watching it,” sophomore Aron Helfet said. The show’s review was just as amusing, verbally ping-pong-ing between straight-up coverage and blinkand- you’ll-miss-’em one-liners. However, some seniors felt that the review was too lighthearted. “I tried to play it straight for once,” senior Ravtej Kohli said. “But no. Of course all my serious acting got glossed over by Gandalf’s bad puns.” Kohli also felt “disappointed” that no one understood his lyrics. “I slipped in so many jokes that we’d had to cut, and no one caught them.” What seniors did approve of, though, were the numerous jokes that hadn’t escaped notice. “I’m just happy they got the Bob Marley thing,” senior Andreas Petrossiants said in between bites of a brownie. In between the wordplay, the review slipped in criticisms, but most readers seemed to not even catch them with all of the praise. A few crews were notably underwhelmed with their coverage. Although the culprits escaped capture, junior Leopold Spohngellert, one of the writers, was found bludgeoned and unconscious in the backstage tech room. He was later hospitalized for internal bleeding caused by cardboard shoved down his throat. Junior Adam Schorin, the other writer, was attacked from behind and strangled with a pair of glowsticks while climbing the Hudson Staircase a few days later. A passing couple stumbled upon him while “studying for our Health tests,” juniors Miriam Bial and John O’Donnell said.

Statistics ranged from classroom observations—62% of students sent or read a text message in class—to out-of  class conduct—80% of students greeted each other with physical contact, 48% of which was of an “embrace” variety. Others declare that 95% of students claim to be tired at least once throughout the day, and 40% use some sort of social networking site, predominantly Facebook and Tumblr.

“How are we supposed to teach them when they are probably busy daydreaming, angsting, or flirting?” Physics teacher Eugeniusz Majewski said. “I wrote my lesson plans with the expectations that they would all be intent on learning and paying attention.” Indeed, flirting (53%) topped both doodling (38%) and sleeping (49%) for most popular classtime activity, with learning coming in at a measly sixth place (24%). Furthermore, the report went on to publicize information on post-school activities. “Many students appear to congregate in groups often referred to as ‘cliques,’ many of whom have their own ‘watering holes,’” the report said. “Some areas seem to have certain personalities. For example, the “alcove” teenagers are much more relaxed than the “library” teenagers, and far more welcoming of outsiders.”

Some students were glad to have their fears confirmed — their friends are not, as it turns out, academia-minded robots. “I’m not surprised,” sophomore Mandy Wong said. “I always had the feeling my friends were thinking about more than chemistry when they sighed in class. This just confirms my suspicions.” According to the survey, 17% of Stuyvesant students have had a crush on a teacher.

Others, however, would have preferred to bury their heads in the sand; some have reacted with vehement denials, others with conspiracy theories. “What do they think this is, ‘Mean Girls’? Y’know, we may have crush lists, but that doesn’t mean we have Rachel McAdams strutting the halls, inciting catfights and stealing boyfriends,” junior Jake Soiffer said. “Please. We’re not like that. How can we even trust these stats? Do we know who the reporter is?”

The reporter’s publicist declined to comment on his identity, but revealed that he had taken precautions to fit in, including breaking the dress code and carrying around a pack of gum. The administration is currently unsure of how to proceed, and has instated a new DNA scanning system to prevent future infiltrations.

Despite recent budget cuts, Principal Stanley Teitel was delighted to pay $800,000, and appoint Lin as an Economics teacher for the spring term. “Having Lin teach here is lincredble!” Teitel said. “It’s not just that he graduated from Harvard with an economics degree. He can teach anything from LINear Algebra, to LINglish, to LINvironmental Science. Now that’s what I call taLINt. LIN your face, BrookLIN Tech for not thinking of this sooner.”

In order to pay Lin and address the high demand for Lin as an Economics teacher, Assistant Principal Social Studies Jennifer Suri has already notified all of her teachers that they’ll be let go at the end of the school year. Lin will be teaching eleven sections of Economics next year.

During Lin’s first appearance at Stuyvesant a mob of people clad in Knicks merchandise had to be restrained by the school safety agents. The majority of the crowd was found to be middle-aged Asian mothers. Many parents have been inspired by Lin’s academic accomplishments, “Thanks to Lin, I’ve realized the flaws in my ways. I will now be enrolling my children in prep classes three years earlier, at age four now,” said Lisa Chen, mother of junior Niki Chen. Lin admits that with plenty of things to look forward to in the upcoming months, staying focused will be harder than ever. “In addition to all of the games and the classes I have to teach, I have to also take care of my body,” Lin said. “I’ve been told that I have the legs of a gazelle, and it’s just so stressful to look after these gorgeous gams.”

Zah and Lenta expressed a sentiment that the administration had “marginalized Stuyvesant’s prestigious lunch department when they made Writing Across the Curriculum a few years back,” Zah said. “The department is much more important than many others, like the Free Period, Breakfast or Mathematics departments.” Stuyvesant had originally exempted the lunch department from the policy because students “already get enough stress through their lunch class,” Teitel said.

There is truth to this claim. Students can often be heard yelling at each other in the cafeteria as a result of the extreme pressure of lunch class. Many students forgo this class altogether, spending their lunch period in the hallways or even outside of the school. This cutting can lead to lack of focus and poor performance in other classes. “Lunch is supposed to help kids stay focused and attentive, but students coming from lunch seem bleary- eyed and unfocused,” math teacher Patrick Kavanagh said. “This is a serious problem, and I can’t run a functioning class with students in this state. Clearly the lunch department needs do something about reducing stress, because I believe that is the root of this incredibly problematic and unfortunate phenomenon.”

Staff members have even stopped trying to persuade students to no longer exit the cafeteria or the school. “I gave up hope of trying to get kids to stop cutting lunch awhile ago—there’s just too many off them,” a security guard, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “Now, all I do is say ‘one, two or five’ to remind students that they can either get a one or two percent as their grade in the class, or go to floor five, which is the cafeteria.”

Teitel made his decision after Lenta pointed out major flaws in Writing Across the Curriculum. “You can’t have a school-wide policy if it’s not school-wide,” Lenta said. “Lunch is a class, too, and we’re sick and tired of being looked down upon by the other departments. If you can have this policy in classes like Physical Education or English, where writing is even more tangential to the curriculum, why can’t we lunch teachers have it too?” Teitel’s decision is a significant endorsement of the lunch department’s ongoing efforts to be recognized as a more legitimate class.

The new policy has gathered criticism from students and teachers alike. “I have never seen students as loud and angry in an AP Physics or Multivariate Calculus class, as I have in the cafeteria. The number of students cutting lunch is higher than in all other classes combined. Lunch is clearly the single most nerve-racking course offered at Stuyvesant. To require essays for the class would only increase stress even more,” Parent Coordinator Harvey Blumm said.

As part of the extension of the policy, which will be implemented this semester, the lunch department will require all students to write a 12 page research paper on the life of vice president Joseph Biden, who is believed to have eaten lunch almost every day of his life. “I think this might give students a new perspective on famous figures in the history of lunch, whom they might never have known about otherwise,” Zah said.

The move is already being hailed by many baseball analysts as the Mets’ best acquisition in team history. “Since 1962, the Mets have always provided baseball’s mediocre players with exuberant contracts. Signing the Hitmen is a huge step away from tradition, as it will provide an affordable influx of talent and more importantly, a well of healthy starters that the Mets can access as replacements for their injured players,” baseball analyst Peter Gammons said.

After 2011 National League batting champion Jose Reyes took his talents to South Beach, further shrinking the already miniscule Mets’ depth chart, the team had to make quite a few call-ups. As a result, the average age of the players in its 2012 starting lineup will be 18.4 years, eleven years younger than the league average. Despite the potential of its new members, the Mets are having trouble -marketing players whose identities befuddle even the most devoted fan.

“Every day, the Citi Field security staff mistakes me for one of our ball boys or a member of the Pepsi T-shirt crew,” said outfielder Charlie Kramer, who will be filling in the vacant centerfield position this spring. Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson, who had to steal his son’s Razor scooter to travel down to Port St. Lucie, Florida, for Spring Training this year after the Mets informed him that they couldn’t afford a plane ticket, was more interested in using the Hitmen in another way. “Yes, we have had our share of injuries, including Ike Davis’s recent bout with valley fever, and just the other day, Johan Santana threw out his back getting into his car and Jason Bay was diagnosed with a concussion after walking into a really clean glass door,” he said. “However, looking past their potential effect on the field, when I made the deal, it was with the intention that these Stuy geniuses could actually help our team with its finances.”

The deal has already generated a lot of enthusiasm among the Hitmen and their 27 fans. “After making the PSAL playoffs for 15 consecutive seasons, maybe we can teach the Mets a thing or two about what it takes to be successful—or at least how not to choke in September,” Hitmen coach John Carlesi said.

When asked about their reactions to the news, sophomore Kevin Li, along with the entire Stuyvesant student body, simultaneously said, “Wait, we have a baseball team?”

According to multiple sources in the Mets organization, the Hitmen will keep their home field at Pier 40. The organization believes that in having to dodge flying lacrosse balls, oversized rugby players, and agile soccer players while running to catch fly balls, the Hitmen outfielders will be more prepared to dodge the food items that will be cascading down from the stands at Citi Field throughout Mets’ 2012 season.

New Mets shortstop Kyle Yee said, “We’re looking forward to teaching these players a thing or two about baseball. However, I don’t think we have a shot with Jason Bay. Not only is he a Met, but also he is Canadian.”