Humor
Intel Finalist Makes Talking Fruit
Senior Jamie Lee Solimano has been recognized as one of forty finalists in the prestigious Intel Science Talent Search Competition for her project, titled “The Application of Asseonoonecaresaboutinteldullary and Adenylyl Cyclase III Signaling in Intraflagellar Transport to Induce Cannabis indica to Produce Speaking Fruit and to Show the Floccinwhocaresacation of Hepatintelisreallyboringstomies in Curing Pseudodonotdointeldism or [...]
Ms. Leading: Valentine’s Day Special
Dear Ms. Leading, My boyfriend broke up with me recently! Valentine’s Day is coming up and he’s seeing this bimbo named Brittany, and it’s like we never had anything special. I want to sabotage this relationship, or maybe just get back at him for being such a jerk. Do you have any plans in [...]
Rocking Chair Selected as Big Sib Chair
The Big Sib Association has announced the final selections for the 2013-2014 Big Sib Chairs. These five people are selected for their friendliness, over-the-top enthusiasm, and ability to avoid hooking up with freshmen at the SING! after-party. One of the more controversial issues was the revolutionary decision to give a rocking chair a position as [...]
President Inaugurated into Second Term
Last week, the President was inaugurated into his second term in office. It was a difficult first term for the President, and even his supporters criticized him for falling short on his promises for nearly every issue. However, the people have spoken and decided to award him another stint in office, much to the chagrin [...]
Nerd Colony Discovered on the Sixth Floor
A giant nerd colony was discovered on the sixth floor on Friday, January 18th by members of Stuyvesant’s elite security force. Officer Tyrone Smith, sensing the presence of foreign beings on Stuyvesant’s sixth floor, called immediately for reinforcements. A vast security team trained in ID confiscation warfare prepared to raid the compound where the [...]
Faculty Introduces Practical Health Final Exam
In response to subpar test scores on January’s Health final, the Health and Physical Education Department will be implementing a new practical Health final examination. Unlike the old multiple-choice exam, which required students to demonstrate their knowledge about trace minerals and gonorrhea, the new examination will require students to undergo a series of real-life tests. [...]
President Inaugurated into Second Term
Last week, the President was inaugurated into his second term in office. It was a difficult first term for the President, and even his supporters criticized him for falling short on his promises for nearly every issue. However, the people have spoken and decided to award him another stint in office, much to the chagrin [...]
Student Receives Oscar Bid For Documentary
Junior and video production student Junpei Taguchi published his documentary “Lost in Translation” on Youtube in early January, receiving large amounts of praise from viewers. On January 10, Taguchi’s documentary was nominated for Best Multilingual Documentary Feature in the Oscars. The documentary “Lost in Translation” features the lives of Stuyvesant students and captures their bitter [...]
Principal Jie Zhang Campaigns for Prom Queen
Following Interim Acting Principal Jie Zhang’s arrival at Stuyvesant High School, she secretly began her campaign for Prom Queen. Students claim to have witnessed Principal Zhang bribing students with “treats” in exchange for their vote. “[Principal Zhang] came to visit the cast and crew of Romeo and Juliet backstage after our show to congratulate us, [...]
Student Donates Record Breaking Amount of Blood
This article is a work of fiction. All quotes are libel and slander. Stuyvesant High School held its first blood drive of the year on Tuesday, January 9. The blood drive ran smoothly until an over-competitive student refused to stop giving blood. Senior Leeroy Jenkins set out to break the previous record of 14 pints [...]
